Grief and loss

Grief is a natural, normal and extremely painful reaction to loss of any kind. Coping with grief and loss is a different process for everyone.

It can be a normal process of reacting to physical or tangible loss (e.g. death), or it can be in response to symbolic or psycho-social losses (e.g. divorce, losing a job, or losing your health).

Remember that, while it feels like hell, grief is a process we experience because we are capable of love, connection, happiness and meaning. We only grieve for things that are important to us. To take away grief means taking away our ability to care.

Grief is a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response. Time is an important aspect of grief.

For the bereaved, time:

stands still
	weighs heavily
		passes
			heals

 

 

The process of grief

You might have heard of the five “Stages of Grief” as defined by Kubler-Ross in 1970:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

While these stages can certainly apply to losing a loved one, these stages were originally in reference to anticipatory grief of one’s own dying process and death.

When thinking about grief and loss, “stages” can seem a bit too prescriptive and rigid. Hardly anyone progresses through a series of stages in a linear way. Rather, grief is highly personal and widely varying for everyone.

It can be helpful to think about what might happen for you, though, as long as you acknowledge grief doesn’t need to be experienced strictly one way.

Some other processes of grief are:

Bowlby (1961, 1980), Raphael (1984) and Parkes (1986):

• Shock and numbness, denial.
• Disorganization, searching and yearning.
• Disorientation.
• Reorganization, restitution, recovery, resolution and accommodation.

Worden (1991):

• To accept the reality of the loss (approx four months).
• To work through the pain of grief.
• To adjust to the environment in which the deceased is missing.
• To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

Tagliaferre and Harbaugh, 2002:

• Acknowledge the loss.
• Feel the impact.
• Acquire temporary substitutes.
• Detach from the relationship.
• Reconstruct a new life.

Some typical reactions to losing a loved one

The first day

You may experience

• Shock.
• Numbness.
• Emotional responses — to protect you from the knowledge.
• Physical responses — to stimulate the necessary bodily chemicals which help you survive the intense situation.

For example:

• Crying releases endorphins for protection.
• We produce enormous amounts of adrenalin for protection.

“No, it can’t be true.”

“It must be a mistake.”

You may feel like you aren’t feeling anything. There may be not much expression of feelings at all, which can last several minutes, hours or even days following the loss.

This may then give way to overwhelming feelings when you start to become aware of the reality of the situation.

You may experience feelings of numbness, intense sadness, anger, guilt, disbelief and confusion.

You may experience physical reactions like loss of appetite, nausea, restlessness, agitation, concentration lapses, memory loss, headaches, neck and back aches, and sleeplessness.

All these are normal.

The third day

This is typically another significant time for someone who has experienced a loss. Reality begins to sink in, causing increasing pain, confusion and disbelief.

The seventh day

Often by this time the funeral is over, and relatives and friends have gone away to get on with their own lives. At this point you can be suddenly overwhelmed by the reality and the loneliness.

Is often at sunset of the seventh day that people feel at their worst.

“Am I going mad?”

“How long will this go on?”

“How will I ever be able to survive?”

Feelings of sadness can come ‘out of the blue,’ leaving you feeling desperate and crying out for relief.

Four to Six Weeks

“It’s not getting any better.”

“Mum was so brave at the funeral, now she’s worse.”

The pain is not getting worse, but the body’s protective devices are wearing off.

You may want to hold on to old habits which bring love and comfort, yet feel despair as they have to be let go.

Gradually you may become used to the intensity of the pain. The time between peaks of pain may start to increase, giving some relief. Initially this may only last minutes, but gradually it will become days, then at some point weeks, months and years.

You may never ‘get over’ the death, but you will learn to live with the absence of the person you love.

Anniversaries and special dates

Special dates may cause intense pain:

• Birthdays.
• Wedding anniversaries.
• Anniversaries of the person’s death.
• Christmas.

Throughout the first year, grief comes in ‘waves.’ Time gradually increases between the ‘waves’ (sometimes only minutes) but the intensity is just as great.

On the anniversary of death, there is often a physical response which is similar to hearing the news of death: Headaches, back pain, getting a cold or a cold sore that will not heal.

It is important to prepare for these difficult days and plan how and with whom you will spend them. You may want to be alone, have someone ‘on call’ or be with company. It is your call.

Something important to remember is:

Grief is a natural process

Therefore, allow it to be ongoing and try not to stop the process.

Allow the process to take care of itself and of you.

Work hard at not putting yourself down because you are having mixed feelings or because you are confused.

It is natural that…..

• You will experience physical symptoms of distress.
• You will become pre-occupied with your loss.
• You will have a sense of guilt.
• You will be full of hostility and experience inability to return to usual activities.
• You will experience a feeling of numbness.
• You will feel stunned – at times nothing seems real.
• You will not be able to concentrate.
• The whole world will seem unreal and you will feel drained.
• Sometimes you will have no feelings left.
• It will feel like it is hardly worth starting anything new.
• It will seem like nothing is certain anymore.

It is important for people experiencing grief and loss to accept that they are the only ones who can know how they feel, and they are also the only ones who can decide what is their own best way of expressing that pain and loss.

If you, the person grieving, feel like:

• Staying in bed for a few days – do it!
• Staying with a friend – do it!
• Screaming and cursing – do it!
• Being completely alone for a while – do it!

Whatever your own best method of handling your grief and loss is, do not be restricted by others. You have the right to do it.

Grief is a most peculiar thing: we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it. –Arthur Golden