A very stressful part of being a separated parent is introducing your children to a new partner. You want very much for everyone to like and accept everyone else, and you are really not sure what you will do if this turns out not to be the case. Fortunately there are there are a number of things you can do to try and make this change as smooth as it can be.
What type of partner should you introduce?
Ideally you should not think about introducing a new partner until your children have become used to the fact that you are single. They will need time to adjust and accept that your relationship with the other parent is over, and that there is no chance of reconciliation. Introducing a new partner before there has been time to process the separation can be very disruptive to children who are already quite confused.
It is possible that you will date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Try not to introduce your kids to what might be a short-term partner; it will only confuse and frustrate them. Then, when the time comes that you do want them to meet someone with whom you are developing a serious relationship, it will take them longer to trust that person.
It is best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you and your new partner are comfortable with each other. Wait until the “honeymoon phase” is over, or at least less intense. Feel free to talk to your new partner about your children beforehand, but go slowly with the introductions.
Before the first meeting
Leading up to the first meeting, gradually and gently let your children know you have met someone. Tell them about your “new friend,” things you have in common, and how much you enjoy spending time with them. Warm them up for the first meeting; you might then find that the kids end up asking to meet your new partner anyway.
If the other parent of your children (your co-parent) is still involved in their lives, let them know that you have a new partner. It’s generally best if your co-parent knows that your children are going to be meeting your new partner before it actually happens. Be sure to keep it matter of fact — they are privy to this information only in how it affects the children. Keeping your co-parent in the loop shows that, regardless of what might have happened in the past, you’re respectful of their rights concerning the children. It also helps to prevent bad feeling or accusations if they were to find out about this new person from the children or someone else.
The first meeting
Whenever the big introduction happens, make sure it is low key. A first meeting will often work best around an activity such as ten pin bowling, the cinema, or a trip to the park. It should not be anything that involves stress; everyone should be as relaxed as possible. Do not go to an amusement park, for example, where you might spend a long time queuing for rides, with the children becoming restless. It should involve some activity so as to prevent awkward silences, uncomfortable moments, or stilted conversation. These can easily happen while sitting around a dinner table with nothing else to do, for example. They may happen anyway, of course, but keeping everyone engaged in something helps to prevent this.
Introduce your partner as a friend, making light of it. Do not kiss and hold each other, but keep everything casual. Include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children on his or her own. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.
Be sensitive
There are so many negative myths about step-parents that it is easy to assume that your children are going to react badly. In reality, most kids simply want their parents to be happy. However, while they may want you to meet someone else, they may also struggle with the impact that this will have on their relationship with you.
If you have been single for a while, they may be used to having you to themselves. Feelings of jealousy are natural. Your children will need your help to understand that a couple’s relationship is different from that between a parent and a child. Reassure them that nothing will change between you and them.
One thing you should definitely do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children. Give them all the time you can. It is easy to become distracted in a new relationship, but try not to do it at the expense of your kids. It is important they feel that they are always your number one priority. This is especially true if you are soon to introduce them to someone who could threaten that sense (if only in their minds).
Take the time to listen to your children’s fears and concerns, Use reflective responding (mirroring back to them the things they have said) to ensure that they felt validated and heard. Involve them in the problem solving process − ask them what they need, and work out a compromise together.
Moving on
You do not need to have your partner with you every time you have your children. In fact, it is a bad idea. They need time alone with you. But do have your partner join you regularly. For a while, keep it as light as possible, still introducing him or her as a friend. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they can understand, depending on age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they will have developed their own relationship with your new partner, and accept him or her readily.
If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you are renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about decorating rooms that will be theirs. This gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.
If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your co-parent. They will hear about it from the children anyway, but it would probably be best if you told them first. If only as a courtesy to prepare them.
Moving forward together
Children may view a new partner with suspicion if they think they are being kept in the dark about your plans. Ensure you include your children in these decisions as much as possible. Ask their opinions, for their preferences, and about their concerns. Encourage negotiation to try to get everyone’s needs met. Always stay calm, regardless of how unreasonable your children might get! Explore with them how they think things might work.
Step-families can and do work. However, they are complex and need special care and attention. You and your partner need to discuss, openly and honestly, the challenges that your new relationship will bring.
Problems
Obviously, you cannot force your children to get along with your new partner. What happens if they do not? Then you are left between a rock and a hard place, and there is no easy resolution.
In extreme cases, it is quite possible you will have to make a choice between partner and children. The same applies to your partner, if he or she does not get along with your children. Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end, and taking you on means taking them on, too – you are a package deal.
If you do reach this point, you are left with a painful decision to make. Whichever way you go, someone is going to be hurt. The best thing to do is everything in your power to make sure things go well. Try not to rush anything – there is plenty of time.
If you left for someone else
The situation is a little different if you have left your previous partner to be with someone new. This is particularly true if the ending of your relationship has been triggered because you met someone else. In this case you will have to work harder to reassure your children that this person is not the cause of the breakdown.
Your co-parent will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that does not mean you need to introduce your new partner immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you are with them. Introduce your new partner gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing a new partner immediately as the new step-parent! Between fairytales and stories, step parents have bad reputations. Give them a chance to become used to each other.
If your new partner has any feedback they would like to give the children, particularly about their behaviour, they should do this through you. It can take some time before children feel comfortable being “parented” by a newcomer to the family.
Still need help?
Please feel free to give us a call at the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service if you think you might benefit from some counselling around this issue.
Hi,
I am the new partner and am struggling alot with this situation, my partner has two girls (13 and 10) and although we all live together the girls are now aware of our relationship as we are waiting until the girls are more settled before their mum tells them that she is in a relationship with a woman.
The relationship with the father is up and down, he is a very selfish person and he and his family waste their time bad mouthing their mother and me and all the things in our life and all the decisions we make, the youngest is very impressionable and is taking on board all the negetivity, rumours and nastiness from her dad, nan and aunty. the eldest copes better, however as a typical teenager we are having issues with lack of respect towards both her mother and me and although my partner puts up with this (because she believes she is to blame for all their hurt due to her relationship with their father breaking down) I will not put up with being spoken down to or treated badly.
We have been living together almost a year now and sometimes we are all best friends, we have been on holiday together and had a wonderful time, however there are times when things get out of hand, the girls are used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want and getting away with murder and since I have been here their mother has begun being a bit stricter with them, i believe they see this as being my fault, and to some degree, due to our relationship being a secret my partner has started doing some things differently so that we get to have some couple time. However due to their father refusing to pay for school fees, and causing as much trouble as possible to hurt my partner, she has had to work longer hours on a night after the girls go to bed to make ends meet.
The problem I am having is that the girls are constantly arguing with me over everything i say and do, I am constantly getting back chatted at, I look after the girls on a morning and afternoon and they constantly argue with me, disrespect me and upset me, then when i discuss whats happened with their mother they get upset because we are talking about them.
I have lots of issues from my childhood ranging from being sexually abused, to bullying at school and at home, my mother has an undiagnosed mental disorder we believe is bipolar so to be living in these conditions now is causing alot of mental, emotional and physical stress for me for example hair loss, punching walls in anger, freaking out and falling into a large depression with suicidal thoughts. I am trying to find a way that we can all live in the same household without anyone being hurt and affected this much. The arguments are getting worse, my relationship is getting very fragile and my partner and I are on the verge of insanity trying to work out what to do for the best here and could use all the help we can.
Amy
Hi Amy,
This does sound like a tough situation for you, your partner and her daughters. You’ve all been going through some quite major changes and this can be hard for anyone to deal with. I just want to say that it shows real strength on your part for coping as well as you have up to this point, and being so determined to make it work that you’re researching strategies and reaching for help. That takes guts. So, for that matter, does attempting to parent and be strong for your partner’s girls – this is never easy!
I wonder if some of the conflict that is occurring between you and the girls stems from confusion and uncertainty on their part? You mentioned they become upset when you talk to their mother about it later. Would it be possible to involve them in some of these conversations, and thereby to negotiate with them openly?
Being used to having their own way certainly complicates things if the aim of you and your partner is to begin being a bit stricter with them. However it often only takes a month or two for new patterns and habits to form and become the new status quo, so to speak. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to be consistently firm, and undertanding that it may take a while for this to be accepted by the girls.
If you would like to obtain some further help around parenting and your relationship, I wonder if you and your partner would be open to some counselling? I’m not sure where you are located, but we provide face to face services in locations around Brisbane (you can contact us on 1300 114 397 to learn more). If that isn’t convenient, we also offer an online counselling service where perhaps we can work with you to find some support more local to you.
I do hope that helps somewhat. Good luck, Amy!
Jess
I am in a similar relationship, except my little ladies are 5 & 9! They have the world ahead of them and I have not sugar coated the struggles of life. My best friends were lesbians so the girls are familiar with that lifestyle, but they spent several years in an obligatory, unhappy relationship. After their separation, and several attempts of remaining amicable & supportive , my best friend moved in and we fell in love. The issue is not with how to introduce this person into their life, as she is already there and a positive, joyful influence at that. The issue is how to present the current situation of our relationship no longer being a platonic friendship, but one of endless love and a deep, eternal relationship. Their father is nothing more than a disappointment, to them and life itself. I want to present this circumstance as a concrete foundation, not to be questioned or feared, but also want to allow them the chance to express their emotions. I normally don’t go on the internet for these things, but any input is greatly appreciated!
Hi,
I am reading about introducing the kids when you have left for someone else and could use some help.
Our children are older 15 and 18 (and my new partner has also a 21 and 23 year old). All of his children know he left their mother and their mother had told them it was me who ruined their family and their lives. My ex did not do that fortunately but I have told the kids I did not leave their dad for Mike I left our marriage because it wasn’t working and that Mike is important and I am in love with him now and want to spend time with him and I want them to get to know him. I check in with them a lot and they seem ok. They like Mike.
I have met Mike’s children all very briefly for a few minutes each this summer which was all positive and not since our first meeting months ago have we gained any momentum. He says, he thinks the kids will feel disloyal to their mother. His EX has moved on and her new partner is involved in many of the activities I have been excluded from. I was very respectful and have waited a year and a half but now I becoming more hurt because there are family events that I would have liked to have gone to and support him (funerals, friends weddings, and birthday parties, dance competitions) but I was not invited because my boyfriend feels I would or they would be embarrassed or uncomfortable.
Is there any advise you can give us to help come up with some dialogue to help create more positive exchanges so that his children will come to accept their dad and his new life with me?
I have said i think it is important to create opportunities for us to meet casually to let them know I am not a three monster and then when bigger events come up I am not shut out. He has said it is he who is the three headed monster and he needed to repair that betrayal first before subjecting their kids to his new love which i completely understand and accept, but we are now going on over two years since the affair was exposed and we waited 6 months before we started dating “out loud”.
I thank you in advance sincerely.
Hi Trish,
It seems you are in a difficult situation made frustrating because you’re trying so hard to do this right, but it’s just moving so slowly.
It sounds like it is Mike that is experiencing anxiety around your relationship with his kids, and (based on your description) that he is making some assumptions about how both you and his kids will feel if you are more involved in each others lives.
It is clear that you want to be more involved and are feeling hurt that you aren’t being given this opportunity. It is important that you are open and honest about these feelings with Mike so that he can take this into consideration when planning how to move forward. If he is worried about you feeling uncomfortable at family gatherings, then make clear to him that yes, you might feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but this is something that is necessary and, most importantly, something that you are willing to experience, in order to develop relationships with his children. It is not up to him to protect you from this.
It is up to him to protect his children, but as you say, it’s been a year and a half – and his children are adults. I think it is time for him to have a conversation with them about what they feel and want, rather than guessing that the kids might feel embarrassment, or disloyalty to their mother. If he is holding back because he doesn’t want to experience guilt over his betrayal, “like a three headed monster,” than this is an issue that he needs to deal with in order to move forward. It could be his avoidance of this that is keeping things stagnant.
Please keep in mind that these comments are made as an outsider based on the information you’ve given – there’s no way of knowing what else might be going on unless you all sit down and talk it out. This might be difficult to do but it is necessary in order to move forward.
I hope that’s helpful Trish. If you and Mike need any further support around this please give us a call on 1300 114 397.
Hi,
My kids (daughter 7years and son 3years) know my partner well as he is a family friend and they call him uncle n they love him and he loves them as his kids plus his kids are really good friends with mine. But I am really worried how will I explain to them that their uncle Mark is gonna be their stepfather. I would really appreciate your help as to how to speak to my kids about it. Thanking you in advance.
I have been in a relationship for 5 years and my partner has 3 boys , I’ve got 2 boys and a girl . my kids are 24AND 29 twin boys . my partners kids are 6 13 17 all boys . We have had our ups and downs . his kids have accepted me and mine accept him , but his ex wife just seems to blame me for there marriage break up and is constantly coming between us . it makes us fight and the kids see it . i would never put them in any harm but we shouldnt be fighting in front of them we know that .we separated and she was happy . We have come back together again because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our life together . But his X wife is not happy about it and now said to my partner your not to have the kids around her and they are not to go to your house with her . We had been going so good for 6 months then she drops this on us , we had made plans to take the kids away over xmas but she wouldnt let him take them so we all missed out . I never go to any family functions because of her and now she is destroying our relationship and saying I’m going to harm the kids . she rings and yells and screams on the phone but then says its bad when we fight when the kids are here , but not all the time . We only fight about her because she is so controlling.
Hi,
I’ve recently started dating my new partner approx 2 months ago. We have known each other for the last 6 months but did not begin dating until 2 months ago.
I have a 17 month old son and wondering what the psychological damage will be by introducing him to my new partner now and how we should go about it with him being so young.
My sons mother wants my son to have no contact with my new partner however I only have limited time to spend with either my son or my new partner due to working shift work.
My ex-partner, new partner and myself are all respectable professionals and decent people in our 30’s and just want the best for my son. My new partner has casually met my son and adores him.
Our daughter is recently separated (less than 2 months) from her husband of many years. They have 2 boys, ages 5 and 10. Our daughter and her ex have both been dating and after only 6 weeks, our daughter has moved her boyfriend into her home. Her mother and I think this is too fast. What do you suggest we do or say?
i am 27 years old and my mum has met someone but I can’t adapt to him at all, my two brothers have accepted it but I can’t I have tried sitting down talking to her to try and make her understand where she has gone wrong but she calls me a spoilt brat and I need to grow up. She forced the relationship in our faces day before Christmas Day two weeks later after being together they got engaged, February he moved in and now they are getting married next August. I don’t agree with it at all because she is rushing into something when she doesn’t know him that well. Me and my mum where really close told each other everything but now it’s the opposite always at logger heads and I feel like she has changed drastically and not in a good way. I feel like I have lost my mum if I am honest because the woman I am seeing now is not my mum. I have had counselling for this but the problem is not me. I need help because I really don’t know what to do.
Dear Liz,
I am going through exactly the same issue as you. My mum sprung her relationship up on me. She only just met a guy a month ago and he informed me over breakfast that they are getting married and moving country. My mum has a habit of making rash decisions and when I was younger she had a horrible relationship I put up with. I’ve had a similar reaction. I was wondering if you had any advice for me since its been a year that you wrote the message. It would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Lilian, and also Liz,
My apologies that we never responded to your comment Liz. We get quite a few, so at times we can’t get to them all we we hope that some of our visitors will have something to add. It seems this is a topic that does tend to affect people, so I thought I’d add my thoughts now.
This is a tough kind of situation. The decisions of your mother are having an effect on you and your relationship with her. As a result you’re experiencing confusion, concern (for your mother and for your relationship), sadness or grief that you might be losing her, and also frustration that she isn’t listening to you.
It can be really tempting to say something like “this doesn’t make sense,” “you are making a risky/bad decision,” or “can’t you see this is a mistake.” Particularly if this is a pattern of behaviour (and you’re frustrated it’s happening again), or if it’s really out of character (and you’re just baffled and want her to see sense).
I’m thinking that a helpful approach here might be to simply communicate your feelings to your mother. Tell her how this is affecting you. Own your reactions to it and focus on the parts you are responsible for (e.g. your thoughts and feelings). This means being clear with her what your concerns are:
Then follow up with some problem solving. This indicates that you’re not there to complain, or make her feel bad, or even to try to change her, but that you want to work it out with her. It tells her that your goal, the reason you’re having this conversation, is not to ‘win the argument’ or to ‘be right’ or to lay blame, but to communicate and compromise and try to improve your relationship with each other – because you care about her.
Keeping that goal at the front of your own mind will also help you to genuinely hear her, and to help her ‘feel heard.’ This is what facilitates helpful communication, and keeps things calm, empathic, genuine and open.
A problem solving approach might involve questions about her experience, or suggestions that might help, such as:
If this conversation doesn’t go well – if tempers rise or anyone gets hurt or defensive – I really recommend a session or two of family counselling. Counselling is not just for ‘when things are really bad.’ It can provide a safe space to explore issues that are difficult to talk about. The counsellor doesn’t take sides, but is there as a mediator, to keep things unbiased, on track, and productive.
I hope that helps. Best of luck.
Hello,
I have a boyfriend who has two boys, a 2 year old and a 5 years. We are having trouble with the former spouse who refuses me to be in the children environment, because it claims that it harms their emotional development and their well-being. My boyfriend does not know what to do and feels trap in choosing to be with me or not, when his children are there. I have already met his two sons several times and everything went well. The problem is that i’m feeling putting aside and treated like a criminal or else. I think it’s really absurd and intrusive from his former souse to decide who will be next to their children when the dad have them with him. He from his side, is stress and don’t know how to deal with that nonsense. Plus, he’s doubting about his own parenting skills and logical. What should we do, because neither he or I appreciate or can live with that.
Hi,
I am 38 year old woman who was in an abusive relationship. I have a 13 year old son and 18 year old daughter. My marriage broke down 2 years ago and i am now divorced. At the time of my marriage breakdown I met someone , we became friends and it soon progressed into a relationship. Before I committed to this relationship I did speak to my kids then 11 & 16 about how they felt about me starting a relationship……and also explained to them that no matter what happens in my life they were always my top priority. Both were happy for me and so i went along with this new relationship. My boyfriend doesn’t live in the same country as me and is also a divorcee. He has made 4 trips a year to travel overseas to come and spend time with me and i have traveled once overseas with him and back to his home to see him in his own environment. He has a daughter from his previous marriage , she doesn’t live with him, but he has brought her on two occasions so all of us could spend time with each other since we decided to go ahead with this relationship. So long things have been going well, and i always check with my kids if they were happy and i was always assured they were happy for me. They have been a bit of adjustment between the two girls, but they have never had any issues,.
It’s been 20 months into my relationship and i know my partner has plans to propose soon, but now i have come to know that my daughter is not happy with me being with this guy. She feels he is not good enough for me and i deserve better. The guy am with is a simple home loving quiet guy, i guess the only fault in him, is he is very quiet and not good looking. He is taking his time to grow a relationship with them as he feels since my marriage break up is new, and the kids are still adjusting to their dad being away from them ( the kids were happy that i broke up with their dad) ………..and i know my daughter would like someone who is fun loving and vivacious…….. but this guy makes me happy, is not an alcoholic, smoker, gambler, flirt like my ex husband………very different from the man i was married to. I am now in a dilemma as my daughter is having major meltdowns……….she has been going for counselling for her issues with her father that she has had all these years. She is on medication for severe acne, roaccutane which is not helping with her emotions. She has recently confided in a close friend and my sister in law, saying that she doesnt like me with this guy and she’s been lieing to me all this time that she was happy for me and us……..but actually she is not. It’s 20 months into this relationship with this guy and am not happy to turn my back on him when we are both committed to each other………so am not really sure how to fix this so we are all happy again. :-(
I would appreciate some advise. Thank you
My partner and I have been together for nine months and want to move in together. I have met his children only once which went well but when his ex found out she went ballistic and now makes the children feel bad about spending time with me. They now refuse to spend anytime with me and my partner is worried that if he ‘forces’ the issue then they will just ask to be taken home to their mum. I don’t know what to do as I am trying to be as patient as possible but it’s making me feel very sad and I’m also frustrated with my partner for not trying harder to convince the kids to just give me a few hours every once in a while.
Hi me and my daughters dad split up after 12 years to be honest it wasn’t the best relationship and there was violence from him, I finally plucked up the courage and kicked him out at the end of may, not long after I met someone and have recently decided to start a relationship the kids have met him a couple of times and really like him but the problem is my ex being a complete moron about it with comments that I’m a slag and he’s never going to be allowed round the kids and continously threatens my new partner, he’s told my youngest daughter who is 6 that she is not allowed to like him, any advice would be great as I’m at my witts end tia
Hi Gemma,
First I just want to commend you for gathering the strength and courage to end the relationship with your abusive ex-partner earlier this year. After twelve years I know that this was a really hard step for you to take.
Co-parenting with an abuser is, unfortunately, never easy, especially if your kids are young. The difficulty is that you have no control over his behaviour – all you can do is attempt to minimise conflict and drama. The main way to do this is to set strong boundaries with him and if he ever steps over those boundaries, end the interaction immediately.
Keep records of everything in a journal, with details and dates, in case the threats don’t stop and the police need to become involved. Opt for text message or email over face to face or phone conversations. Debrief with your kids about their feelings, and try to offer your understanding of the situation in a way that is as nonjudgmental of your ex as possible.
I hope that helps Gemma. You might find our page on Parenting with your ex-partner useful. Best of luck.
I have a 16 year old daughter who I have raised on my own. Her father has had little to no involvement with her during this time and lives overseas. In the past year and a half I have starte dating and have met my new partner who I have been seeing for about a year. All was going well until I told my daughter we were now in a serious relationship and plan to move in together in the next year or so. She is outright refusing to have anything to do with him (where before she had been polite and accepting). She has told me that if I go ahead with the moving us in with him she will live “somewhere else”. I’m not sure where she thinks this will be? There are so many benefits to this move, both financial and other, for her and for me, but I just can’t get her to see this. She flares up immediately when I try to raise the subject and storms off, slamming doors behind her!! My new partner is extremely patient and knows the situation but am I being selfish for wanting something for me for the first time in 16 years? Up until now we have had an excellent open relationship with her sharing everything with me. I don’t want to jeopardise that and give her an excuse to run riot now. Any advice, comments would be gratefully received. Thanks.
Hi Catherine,
I’m so happy for you that your relationship is going so well, and no you are absolutely not being selfish for wanting it to progress. However it seems your daughter has some concerns about what this change will mean for her… and this quite big change.
It will mean changes for her relationship with you, changes in what her home-life will look like, and a new relationship with this man.. a relationship she pretty much has no control over. It’s hard to say what exactly is going on for her, but my guess is that it will all be pretty scary for her right now.
My suggestion would be to make some time to sit with her, perhaps book a dinner or coffee date, and do nothing but ask questions for a while. Be genuinely curious with her about her experience. At this stage the best approach will be to simply listen – not to talk. Reflect on what she is telling you, but don’t disagree, argue, advise, or try to convince her of anything.
For the first conversation she simply needs to be heard. Let her know you understand. Thank her for sharing, and then book another conversation to explore what you can both do to address her concerns.
Take a look at our page on exploring your child’s distress – it is aimed at younger children but may still have some relevant tips – or the one on relationships with adolescent children. The section on active listening towards the end of our effective communication article might also help.
Best of luck, Catherine.
Hi my name is Appen I am 22 years old. Currently studying diploma in early childhood education. I work at a child care centre as a part time. I love and adore kids so much! I like to one day to settle down and have my own kids. I always wanted 2 one boy – one girl that would be nice. I’m old fashion I like to get married first.
I’m happy go lucky. I am always kind person. I grew up in a lovely family. I have 2 older step sisters that I get along really well and I look up to them alot. Both have children of their own but not married. And I have a younger half sister. I can never say no when someone ask me to do something. It’s just my nature and I like to make other people smile and laugh.
I have been with my man for a 1 year and a half now. He is 36 years old. I know 14 years is a big gap between us! But I can honestly say age doesn’t matter. I have finally found my soul mate. He truly is my world. He means everything to me and I would be so devastated if I ever lose him. Our relationship is amazing. I feel so special and lucky when I am with him. I couldn’t be more happier. BUT unfortunately there is a but!
He has been married once before and has 2 boys a 4 year old and a 6 year old. My partner has them for 50% a week on and a week off. Both boys are gorgeous absolutely cute and very handsome, but they are out of control. Both my partner and his ex wife spoilt their children. I believe this is why they are the way they are.
They have no discipline, no rules, no boundaries, no manners what so ever. They are so rude not only to me but to their father as well. They talk with attitude. Their tantrums are awful when they don’t get their way. Boys both parents give them everything they want. For example every time we go out to the shops, they would come home with something such as toys or lollies.
Their behaviour has worsen over the past year and I am at the point where I can not handle them anymore longer. My partner rewards them every time they are behaving badly. Boys like to fight and argue over toys. I can’t believe my eyes they have more toys they can ever ask for.
Last Christmas both boys got 10 presents each. I think it’s too much. These boys do not appreciate anything what so ever. They said to their dad that the presents they got at xmas wasn’t enough. They wanted more!!! I’m like WTF? OMG! I was speechless.
And that’s not all,,,, Spoilt rotten!!! When birthdays comes. Both get presents not one both of them at the same time. I mean birthdays are for celebrating that childs’ birth day special day not both of them. Jesus! 5 presents each. WOW! I don’t care! The money. I didn’t pay for it. But It’s the fact they get more than they deserve! This explains why they have a toy room full of toys.
Kids should get rewarded when they have been good and they both have not been good. I could go on and on about how terrible these boys are. I couldn’t imagine how horrible they will be when they get older.
When I first met these two boys they trashed my partners place. The house was wreck by the time the sunrise. Brand new T.V was smashed, curtains where broken by being swung on. Living room was a mess. The whole entire house was disgusting both up and down stairs. Boys break everything not just their toys.
When it comes to meal time. Oh it’s hell and I try to stay out of it because I feel I have no say what so ever. I am not their mother but I have learnt about bad behaviour in my studies at tafe. When it comes to dinner. My partner loves to cook and he takes 1 – 2 hours to cook their food. For example at dinner time, boys take a bite and then said they are done and ask for desert! Incredible!! They did not eat enough dinner to deserve treats. Anyways my partner as always gives them what they want and 99% of the time they have dessert for their dinner.
Excuses my language but that just pisses me right off so much! My partner is a great cook. His food always taste delicious. My partner has a passion for cooking. He once wanted to become a chef but thought that the hours was too long and he end up becoming a geologist. That’s where the money is. Now just so you know I am not a gold digger. I am very down to earth and I am a bit of a hippy. I enjoy simple things in life. Camping is one of my favourite hobbies. I love sleeping under the stars. Such a beautiful atmosphere.
My partner and I are planning to have children, two more we hope, but I can’t bring a child into this world until my partner has sort out his children. I know I will be a good mum one day and I will love and adore my babies but one thing for sure I will not do is spoilt them to the point they are expecting more and more. I would like my children to grow up happily and appreciate things around that. I like for them to be good kids and love life. Be kind to others and give give give.
Anyway back to my story…. I am at the edge…. I have tried talking to my partner about boys bad behaviours but he seems to not want to change or the fact that he thinks his kids are good. I need some parental advice please!!! Anything that could be helpful that would be great. I would really appreciate it.
Hi
I have got married and move in with my new partner for last 2 months with a son of 6 years. My partner also have kids who lives with his ex wife. We were really happy to be together with my son only, recently my partner has started to have hitted argument because of my son. He started to miss his own kids and talk to them hiding from me and always fight with me. He doesn’t have any child care support arrangement, will give the money n stuff, what ever they ask. We have just become nothing to him now.
I had been dating the dad of my youngest child (9 y/o) off and on for 10 yrs. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part it was good. He and I were engaged yrs ago but decided to wait. We spoke of marriage often in front of our daughter together (his older kids from past marriage and my oldest daughter, who is now 20) Our relationship ended again on Sept of this year, because he said he wasn’t ready for marriage and i was. The next week he was dating & living with someone and introducing her to family a week afterwards. Now he is engaged to marry her next month. Our daughter is hurt and completely against meeting the new woman now & refuses to attend the wedding. He feels i should force her & told me that she is only 9 and those decisions are not hers to make. I disagree! He assumes that i am making the decisions to keep our daughter away; but eventhough i’m not, i do agree. My daughter needs time and she is verbally saying she is NOT ready. In addition to that, he spends NO quality time with her eventhough i beg and plead with him to do so. I try to encourage a father/daughter relationship but I have failed. She loves her dad and he loves her, but she feels abandoned and betrayed. She tried communicating this to him and his response was, “it’s life!” Just the other day she said, “I think my daddy was cheating on you behind your back with this lady, because this all happened too fast!” He demands that our child should be incorporated into his new life, but personally i feel he is trying to make himself feel less quilty for his own lies and deception. I too think he was cheating with this woman.
Hi Tameka,
Well done for trying to be an advocate for your daughter, and also trying to keep your personal feelings and struggles in this difficult time separate. I know you must be feeling hurt and betrayed. It sounds though like you do recognise the importance of letting your daughter know that you *all* still care for each other, and each of you is just trying his or her best to find a new way of making this work. That the important thing to recognise is he does love her and want to be with her, it just may take time to figure out what that looks like from now on. For example it must be upsetting to hear her speculating on whether there was infidelity – it would be really important in that instance to respond with something like, “well we don’t know that so it’s probably not helpful to wonder and worry about it now. Your dad is trying his best to be happy, just like we are, and clearly a part of that is wanting you to be a part of his family.” Hopefully that would start to help her to feel less abandoned and betrayed.
It is important, of course, that she is given as much opportunity as possible to maintain a close, lasting relationship with her dad. However in this time of upheaval it is also important that she is given a sense of stability. At this age stability and feeling safe (i.e. that she can predict what will happen day to day) cannot be overstated. You’re right that she should ideally have as much control over her situation as is appropriate, while also balancing other needs. This generally means working out a compromise as a family, with everyone given a chance to feel heard and that their needs and expectations are considered.
Her dad is right in that a nine year old does not always have the capacity to make decisions about family relationships that may have wide-reaching consequences – she lives in the now and will have difficulty considering the future when thinking about what she wants, needs and prefers. The point is – it all needs to be taken into account here. It may be difficult for the three of you to openly and genuinely consider each other’s needs, given the history and recent events, but that is exactly why it is so vital to the process. I would very much recommend inviting your ex to post-separation parenting counselling, where an unbiased third party can advocate for all of you, with the best interests of the children in mind.
Wishing you the best, Tameka.
Hi,
I have been with my partner for just over two years now – we have both been married and have three children between us – 7,8,10 who get on very well. I get on well with his ex and he gets on well with mine – we have been on quite a few ‘family’ holidays together during our time together. We don’t live together, but I am over his place at least a couple of nights a week and my son (10yr old) at least once a week. We are totally committed to making this relationship work and communication is very open. We are very blessed in this regard – what my dilemma is, is that this will be the third Christmas that we have been together, however his ex comes over on Christmas Eve and spends the night and then spends Christmas Morning together as a family. They also spend their children’s birthdays as a family day out. While this is great for the kids and the short run, I don’t see how this is beneficial in the long run for his kids or us as a couple as it doesn’t give us a chance to do those ‘family’ things together and I feel the older they get and then we introduce something different into Xmas (ie when my partner and I move in together) that the kids will resent me. Perhaps I’m thinking too hard about it and just thank God that everyone gets on well, but it’s really hurtful to see them spending time as a ‘happy little family’ when in reality it’s not that at all. I have a family tradition with all my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but I’m willing to sacrifice that for the chance to create new traditions with my partner and our kids….your thoughts/insights are much appreciated.
I have a 7 yr old daughter. My ex and I separated and I moved out 20 mos ago. She has had a boyfriend. I just started dating a woman 3 mos ago. I introduced her yo my daughter. My kid adores her and enjoys spending time with her. When my new partner and I get together with my daughter and we take a selfies, talk or show any affection, my daughter becomes clingy, buried her face or otherwise “acts up”. I see my daughter 3 days/wk and my partner maybe once a week, rarely are the three of us together. But my partner is disturbed by my daughter’s actions and sees it as a power struggle with her. She, understandably so, doesn’t want a power struggle with a 7 yr old. I’ve talked to my daughter about how I feel about my partner and how I’m not loving her less or leaving her but she can’t always gave me all the time. My kid says she wants me to be happy but feels left out during the “fun times” and says I see my partner too much. What can I do or say to my child to help alleviate her issues with my new partner as well as what can I do when this behavior surfaces as I’m, say, having a conversation with my partner or kissing her?
Thanks.
Hi John,
Thanks so much for reaching out. The fact that you have done so indicates how important your family is to you.
I’m intrigued by the term “power struggle.” This is a seven year old child we’re talking about.. children going through times like this are generally struggling for a sense of safety and security, not power.
I would say your daughter has described what is going on for her really well – she is feeling insecure and anxious that you are replacing the life and relationships she has always known with new ones she doesn’t yet understand.
My advice would be to schedule special time with your daughter where it is just the two of you. I know you do probably have lots of time together without your new partner already, however this “special” time will ideally be entirely about your daughter. Make this time where you really connect and where your daughter has the opportunity to feel really heard. Use reflective responding to convey an “I’m with you” attitude.
Reflective responding is a way of following, rather than leading. Verbally reflect behaviours, thoughts, needs/wishes and feelings, without asking questions. This helps the parent understand the child, and helps the child feel understood. A Being with attitude conveys: I am here, I hear you. I understand. I care.
Keep in mind it is not intended to convey: I always agree. I must make you happy. I will solve your problems.
It is simply an opportunity for your daughter to increase her sense of safety. I can guarantee that once she has this her issues with your new partner will vanish.
Best of luck, John.
Hi I’ve been divorced for 7 years now and have been a committed relationship for a year. I have 2 gorgeous teenage daughters aged 13 and 16 who get on find with my new partner ….. But my partner has now asked us all to move in with him.
My girls are up in arms and flat refuse to move in saying I’m selfish to ask them to … I’m really happy and know this will be a great move .. I feel tired of being alone and look forward to sharing our lives with him.
What’s the best way to support my girls to at least consider this move and see it will benefit us all.
Hi Sam
After being single again for a number of years, it sounds like you’re now happy in a committed relationship and ready to share your lives together. It’s great to hear you speak so positively about your teenage daughters and that they get on well with your new partner. Moving in with your partner might feel like a great move for you. Unfortunately, it sounds like your daughters don’t share your enthusiasm.
Moving into your partner’s home might mean some significant changes for your daughters, which might feel very uncomfortable for them and so has generated their reaction. If you put yourself in their shoes, can you imagine what some of their concerns might be? Teenagers are growing into young adults who are developing their own minds and opinions. So it’s important to engage them in some discussion where they can voice their concerns without being judged, where they will be listened to and validated, and where you can all look for agreeable solutions. If you want the move to go well, ideally you’d want everyone to be on the same page. So it may be helpful to take your time to ensure everyone is happy and in agreement.
If you would like to obtain some further help around these issues, I wonder if you would be open to some counselling? I’m not sure where you are located, but we provide face to face services in locations around Brisbane (you can contact us on 1300 114 397 to learn more). Otherwise if you are based in Queensland we also offer an online counselling service where perhaps we can work with you to find some support more local to you.
I hope this provides a good place to start, all the best
Renelle
Hi, I’m on the other side of the fence. I’m 38 and have a 2 1/2 month old son with my ex. We have been separated for about a month and since then she has gone back to her ex (10 years younger). She has brought her new guy straight in to meet our son and they spend quite a bit of time together against my wishes. I’m beside myself, as I only see our son once a week, due to his mother’s social life, and now I find out that they spend full days together playing happy families. My ex and her new guy have only been together for 3 weeks and even though I asked her to keep her social life and parenting life seperate, she said that she won’t. I’m not impressed with her disregard for what this might do to our son psychologically in the future. Especially because he’s her ex that she was with before me, and I don’t believe he will be around for too long, confusing our son even more. We are due to have mediation about our son shortly, and I was wondering if my concerns will have any merit?
Hi Arch,
Well done for doing some research and putting yourself out there for some help through this. It’s clear your son means so much to you and you really want to work this out.
Mediation works by having a trained third party sit with you to explore the needs of your son, yourself, and your partner, and to try to help the two of you work out some solutions that work for you both. It does involve raising your concerns, but it’s up to your ex-partner to hear them and decide whether or not they have merit. It’s up to the two of you to compromise. If that doesn’t happen, the next step is family court, and letting a judge decide.
Unfortunately it already sounds like your ex-partner is not too open to compromise. I think at this stage the best option for you is to think through your concerns and consider how you can communicate them in a way your co-parent (which is what she is now, moreso than an ‘ex-partner’) is more likely to hear. This means leaving behind any difficult feelings about the relationship, any defensiveness or bitterness, and thinking solely about what is best for your child. If your co-parent picks up anything that she interprets as lingering anger towards her or anything like that, she’s possibly going to automatically reject what you say as an attempt to be petty or vengeful.
Carefully consider your phrasing, and your body language, to ensure that the message she hears is the exact one you are trying to send. Avoid using blaming language (or anything that could be interpreted as such), and try to ‘own’ your feelings – to take responsibility for them. Be genuine and open about your fears. This can be hard because it involves being vulnerable, and to someone who has already hurt you… but it almost always makes people more receptive. Far more so than frustration and demands.
If you haven’t already, check out our page Parenting with your former partner.
Best of luck to you Arch.
I have a 4 yr old daughter and I am in a relationship with a great guy, we have been together for about 6 months now and I have introduced him to her about a few months ago. She doesn’t get very much time with him but we will stay with him a day out of the weekend, when she first met him she was quiet and didn’t say much to him. Now she will act like she likes him and wants to see him and hang out with him but when we get to his house she ignores him and is mean and won’t let us hug or hold hands really without her having to be right there in the middle. She says she doesn’t like him when we are there but then when we are home and not around him she says she does like him and wants to see him. Any ideas as to what’s going on and why she is this way? Should I give it more time or should I end the relationship since she says she doesn’t like him?
Hi Tam,
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I wouldn’t give up just yet. This is a time of change for your daughter, and change (at any age) is unsettling and scary. My first thought is that she is feeling insecure. A young child can easily feel threatened when she sees her mother’s attention being divided, and all she probably needs is reassurance.
Try sitting down with your daughter, alone, and explain to her that even though X is your new partner now, she is still the most important person in your life. No one will ever be able to take her place and she will always come first for you. Explain that you care about X a lot too, but have enough room in your heart for both of them. Perhaps say you would really like it if she and X could be friends, and you feel confused when she says she doesn’t like X. Maybe even ask her if she says she doesn’t like X because she misses it just being the two of you? If so, maybe you could have some “special” time together on certain days of the week – a top secret mum/daughter date where you just have fun with each other.
I’m thinking that if she’s getting lots of love and attention from you the rest of the time, she’s less likely to feel insecure when your attention does go to your new partner.
Hope that helps a bit. Best of luck Tam.
Hi. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for 5 months. We’ve both been married – my daughter is 20 now, he has been divorced for 2 years and his children are 6 and 12. Our relationship feels like ‘the one’ for both of us – he talks about ‘forever’. However he has no intention of even dropping my name into conversation with them when he is with them and no plans for them to know he is in a relationship, or for them to meet me, even though he told me that he and his ex-wife have agreed that its time they knew about me. That stings – it makes me feel that he is saying one thing but his behaviour is saying something else. he says it will happen ‘one day’. when? sometime in the next ten years? How can I plan a future with someone who wants to keep me invisible?
Hi Jan
It sounds like you’re now in a relationship that you both believe could be a committed and long term one. And even though your partner has spoken with his ex-wife about you and you all agree that it’s appropriate to introduce you to his children, your partner has not yet made any attempts to broach the subject with his kids. I can hear that it “stings” you a little.
As parents, we never really know how our children will respond to the news of a relationship with a new partner. It can be a big deal. And there’s a lot to take into consideration when our kids are younger if we want it to go well for them and us. I’m wondering if it’s not so much a matter of him not wanting to, but maybe he doesn’t know how to? If this is the case, you may feel much less of a “sting” because it’s not about you. Would you feel comfortable creating a safe space to have a chat with him, and ask him to consider what might be holding him back from making a plan. And if he feels concerned or uncomfortable about the “how to”, maybe you could encourage him to read the information above on our site which shares ideas on “how to”.
If you would like to obtain further help around these issues, I wonder if you would be open to some counselling? I’m not sure where you are located, but we provide face to face services in locations around Brisbane (you can contact us on 1300 114 397 to learn more). If that isn’t convenient but you are still located in Queensland, we also offer an online counselling service where perhaps we can work with you to find some support more local to you.
Hope this has been somewhat helpful, all the best
Renelle
Reading this has been quite helpful to get some insight into this situation.
I am on the other side of the scenario, in that I am the “other person” coming into a family. My partner has a 2 year old son, who is absolutely adorable.
It’s quite difficult as he separated from his wife earlier in the year, and she doesn’t know about me yet (no one really does). I spend time with him and his son quite regularly, and some days his son is fine with me and on others he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know he’s very young, and it would be confusing for him given he doesn’t know what to call me (generally, we don’t say my name in front of him incase he goes home and says it to his mum) but I find it difficult to try to develop our own relationship. Earlier in the relationship his son would sometimes call me “mumma”, which we have stopped – but given he is at the stage of learning what everything is called, I can’t help but feel he must be confused and not understand why someone is regularly around, but he doesn’t have a name for them. I’m not sure if perhaps this is why some days he wants to play with me and other days I can’t talk to him without him screaming at me. I don’t have my own children, so learning how children learn and interact is very new to me!
As it’s such a difficult time for my partner, I feel quite selfish if I bring up our secrecy etc. but at times I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure when is a good time to broach the issue with my partner, because he is very worried his (ex) wife will make it difficult for him to access his son once she finds out about me. I worry that the concerns I feel will keep festering, and cause us to argue – more so because I feel uneasy about the situation and don’t want to say anything, so on occasion will get upset for “no reason”.
I’m very much a forward-planner, so I feel very in-the-dark not knowing when we will come out about our relationship. I very much want to be more open, and have more opportunity to develop a bond with his son, and understand things take time, but I’m not sure if it would be wise to try to develop a time-line so I have some sort of plan in place.
All in all, I’m a little in the dark, a bit confused and feel bad for making the issues about me when my partner is dealing with a lot more hardships than I am!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Anna,
I’m glad that the website has been helpful with adding some insight to how it may be for parents introducing a new partner to their children, and I commend you for researching this topic area even though you are on the other side. It’s fantastic that you have taken the time to do this, as it shows that you are very sensitive to the best way to handle this situation. And it does sound like a difficult situation for you. You’re coming to a new relationship and want to develop a relationship with not just your partner but also your partner’s son. However it’s a tricky territory to decide when this should be put out in the open.
It’s awesome you are keen on developing a relationship with the son, but I’m hearing it is confusing for everyone because he does not yet have an appropriate ‘label’ for you. It sounds as though the secrecy is what is causing this issue, so I am thinking that in this case transparency – and honesty – are pretty important. This means the first step is thinking through how to go about this. From his ex’s perspective, what could be some of her concerns around having you in her son’s life? And does your partner himself have any concerns about how this might work? It might be worth sitting down and nutting this out with your partner, and brainstorming possible solutions to any potential issues.
Another factor is this: What might happen if his ex did find out about you without your partner having an open and honest conversation with her first? Things could potentially get quite difficult for all the relationships involved.
Setting aside some time to have a conversation with your partner about these concerns is therefore paramount. It is very common for concerns to keep festering and build up, which may lead to arguments. So the best possible solution is to have these difficult conversations about your role in the relationship, as well as what it will look like for co-parenting your partner’s son in the future. It may be that thinking about a timeline might be a good idea, so that you do have a plan in place. But at least have the discussion about your future role in the relationship. It won’t be an easy chat to have, but the payoff will be to have a better foundation to develop safe and healthy relationships with everyone involved.
If you would like to have the opportunity to discuss your situation further we offer face-to-face counselling in the Brisbane area. Please feel free to contact 1300 114 397 to discuss these options further.
Best of luck with everything Anna.
Regards,
Marie
Hi, I’ve been dating a man for almost a year and we are serious He has primary custody of his two daughters ages 7 & 9. The girls still break down occassionly saying they miss their mother and when are they going to see her next Their mother left them for another man and has just recently introduced them to him. I think that they should process that before meeting me. But I have no idea maybe how long that should be. I only have their best interest at heart but for that age group I don’t knoiw time wise how long it might take i was thinking maybe 6 months?
Thank you
Hi Patricia
This is a tough situation. You appear to be enjoying a serious dating relationship but your partner’s girls are struggling with their own grief. It’s so great to hear that you acknowledge their struggle, that you have the best interest of the girls at heart, and want to know how to best meet their needs. However with such limited information I’m reluctant to put a time line on the initial introduction.
A breakdown of their parent’s relationship can be really tough on children. It sounds like the girls are still grieving the loss of their mother and may be feeling some sense of disconnectedness. And to some degree, that’s normal and to be expected. For the parent who is primary carer, we often do our best to support our children and provide lots of love and reassurance through these challenging situations but sometimes we are not enough. I’m wondering if the girls have been given an opportunity to visit a children’s counsellor, who may be able to support them in processing their uncomfortable emotions and assist the children in adjusting to find “new normal”? Maybe this is something for your partner to consider?
If you would like to obtain further help around these issues, I wonder if you or your partner would be open to some counselling? We provide face to face counselling in locations around Brisbane (you can contact us on 1300 114 397 to learn more), or if you are elsewhere in Queensland online counselling is another option.
Hope this gives you a place to start, all the best
Renelle
My ex husband and I separated over a year ago and we co-parent two children 6 & 3. I have started seeing someone of which the relationship is serious in nature. My ex firmly tells me that the children cannot spend time with my partner as there is too much change in their lives and he is concerned about the emotional damage. How can I make this work, as I want my partner to spend time with the children and I; yet I do not wish for the relationship with my ex to sour? I feel pulled in both directions and don’t know how to be assertive.
Hi Natalie,
It does sound like you are caught in the middle here! As this is a complex issue and I don’t know much about it, I would highly recommend you talk to a counsellor. This would give you the opportunity to explore the situation in depth, and work on problem solving, decision making and assertiveness skills. You will be able to look at what your co-parent’s concerns are, what conversations you’ve had in the past (i.e. what’s worked in the past and what hasn’t often gives hints as to what might work now), how you might address any barriers, and what compromises might be possible. Doing all this with a counsellor allows you to develop a plan of action.
I’m not sure where you are based but we offer both face to face counselling across greater Brisbane and online counselling for the rest of Queensland.
Good luck.
Hello, I need some advice. I have 2 children, a 12 yr old boy and a 9 year old girl. my partner of 13 years recently left us for another girl and he wants the kids to meet her. the kids love their father, and I don’t want t stop them from seeing and spending time with their dad, but I don’t want my kids to meet this girl. I feel selfish, as she could be the nicest person, but I can’t help but think she is going to walk around pretending to be a happy little family with my kids. Please help I still love their father.
Hi Tammy,
Thanks for sharing your story with us and reaching out for help – I know that can be pretty hard to do.
I’m not sure how recently your former partner left the family, but if you’ve read this article you know that after such a major change your children need a period of time to adjust to the way things are now. This means it is generally not advisable to introduce the kids to a new partner very soon after the separation. Both they, and you, need time to process and accept that the separation has happened.
Following the separation of their parents, children go through their own process of making sense of the changes that this introduces to their lives. How well they adjust depends on how well they are supported by their parents through this process.. and a part of this is allowing them the time they need to deal with it. Family separation means massive upheaval for children, both in their day-to-day lives and in their minds and understanding of the world. What helps them to cope with upheaval is safety, stability and structure. Introducing a new partner too soon is introducing yet another massive change, which is just the opposite. There is no hard limit in terms of time, as it depends on a number of factors, including their developmental age. The main thing is to ensure that the children have accepted the separation (i.e. they know their parents are not getting back together), dealt with their feelings about it, and that they are used to the new form their family (and their daily lives) have taken. My suggestion would be to communicate the importance of this to their father. More information about this and similar issues is available in our free online post separation parenting course.
Meanwhile, it sounds like this has been a very difficult separation for you, Tammy. I can absolutely understand your discomfort with the idea of your children meeting their father’s new partner, and the difficult feelings that this is bringing up for you are a normal response to this situation. It sounds as though this is all happening pretty fast.
I would encourage you to take the time you need to process what has happened and engage in self care to build up your own coping. Please consider getting in touch with us if you would like to explore your feelings further with a counsellor.
All the best.
Hubby of 20 years left family home three days ago to live with his new partner. They are moving to a new home in three weeks and he has indicated he wants them to come and stay for weekends.
The new partner is a mutual friend whom I actually like and respect. The children have met her only a handful of times.
The way he dealt with the departure and his comments about having them stay shows a lack of consideration of others emotional needs.
Advice needed for transitioning in these very early days.
Strangely I am still on good terms with his new partner. She is a kind and compassionate person with a sensitive nature.