Parenting with your ex-partner

Parenting with your ex-partner can be a major challenge. There may be lingering bitterness or conflict between you following your separation. Even if there isn’t, the differences in your parenting styles may be a bigger challenge now that you are not as communicating as often.

Communicating with your former partner

Even though your relationship as partners is over, there is still an ongoing relationship as co-parents, and children benefit when this relationship is co-operative and has low levels of conflict. This means it is often necessary to change the nature of your relationship with your ex from what was previously an intimate relationship to one that is now more businesslike. Features of intimate and businesslike relationships are outlined below:

Moving to a more businesslike relationship helps you to communicate with your former partner without getting caught up in old battles. Many people report that it feels strange at first, but limiting your discussion to child related issues does help and will become more comfortable over time.

Being ‘businesslike’ with your former partner

• Keep all communication with your child’s other parent brief and focused on child related issues. If you cannot talk to each other, try communicating in writing. Be clear and specific about what the issues are.
• Never communicate with the other parent through the child. Even if it’s a relatively insignificant message. This puts the child in the middle − a deeply uncomfortable place for a child who loves both their parents.
• Do not let relationship issues creep into the discussion. If your former partner cannot keep old relationship disagreements out of the conversation, suggest resuming the discussion later.
• Do not fuel the other parent’s anger. Remain calm and unemotional.
• State problems with possible solutions for quick resolution.
• Be courteous and respectful of the other parent even if you feel s/he does not deserve it.
• Focus on the best interests of your children and their needs when you are discussing child rearing problems and strategies.
• Avoid blaming yourself or the other person for what has happened in the relationship in the past. Stay in the present.
• Do not expect appreciation or praise from the other parent.
• Be careful to act like a guest when in the other parent’s home (it is very confusing for the child if you do not).

Conflict

• How do you ‘deal with’ or ‘manage and resolve’ conflict with your former partner?
• What happens if you don’t manage conflict?
• How does conflict affect your child(ren)?
• The Courts can only decide ‘what is best for the children’ based on evidence, they cannot make an assessment on relationship problems or determine who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.
• It can be difficult to predict a Judge’s decision, as each is influenced by different ideas and experiences.

Managing anger during conflict

Awareness of impending anger can be attained through attending to your bodily cues. For example, common cues leading up to anger include raised voices, feelings of tension in hands or stomach, changed breathing or other physiological signs. Once you have noticed these warnings that you are becoming angry, calmly suggest you resume the discussion at another time. Monitor your own moods as potential vulnerable points in time: tiredness, moodiness, increased sensitivity to small things, etc. These may mean it’s not the best time to be discussing things that could lead to disagreement. Take preventative measures. Daily physical activity helps to dissipate the accumulate of tension. Getting enough sleep has a positive effect on your overall mood. So does a healthy and nutritious diet.

How to stop the fighting

• Allow the strong angry feelings and thoughts to emerge.
• Keep calm on the outside (and inside if possible).
• Actively listen and be fully attentive, but avoid absorbing what may feel personalised, or what you hear as criticism, as otherwise you could lose control.
• Treat the other person with consideration by providing space and time, and by paying careful attention to your choice of words, tone and body language.
• Avoid responding aggressively or defensively e.g., by using ‘put downs’ or single-minded arguments.
• Be patient and listen long enough and deeply enough to understand the other side. Offer empathic reflection of content and feeling. This not only calms things down, it also encourages the other party to reciprocate.
• When the emotions have subsided, check if collaborative solution building or problem solving is possible.
• State your position of what you can and can not do.

Some key principles

• Expect the best, prepare for the worst.
• Know your vulnerable points, triggers or ‘buttons’ (your own and those of others).
• Focus on what you can control (i.e. you!).
• Prepare and try a different approach.
• Notice changes while talking.
• Unless anger and past hurt is under reasonable control, the skills and language of conflict can be hard to engage effectively.
• Create an intention to be different and reduce the level and intensity of conflict.
• Understand the person, without accepting the negative behaviour.
• Focus on the content (i.e. the message) of what your former partner says to you.

Strategies to use once conflict has started

• Take notice and recognize what is happening.
• Make a note in your mind’s eye by saying to yourself ‘this is not helpful.’
• Tell the person that the conflict is getting out of hand and some time out would be useful.
• Tell the person you will walk away and talk further about the issue when things have calmed down, but you are unable to continue talking now.
• Find a space where you can reduce the anger by slow deep breathing or ‘self talk’ about effects of the continued arguing.
• Once feeling calmer say something to reconnect or reach out, but do not expect or demand a response.
• If the reaching out is not accepted, be patient. The other person may still be angry and need more time.
• If the reaching out is accepted, then start talking in a civil way.
• Go back over the issue if important, if not let it go. Not all conflict needs resolution or compromise.

Communication styles

There are 3 main communication styles: Aggressive: defending and getting back (Win/Lose). Accommodating/passive: intentionally not fighting or escalating conflict (Lose/Win). Assertive: a fair combination of each and varying degrees (Win/Win – but with some compromise).

Aggressive communication

Is characterized by the loud expression of views at the expense, degradation or humiliation of another. It Involves being so emotionally or physically forceful that the views of others are not allowed to surface. It is often angry and/or revengeful, and may result in you feeling self-righteous or superior at the time, however once you calm down, you may feel guilty later.

Accommodating/passive communication

To avoid confrontation one ‘gives in’ but is often unhappy and regrets this later. It can be intentional and useful (if used to withdraw and wait for calm), but it can also be linked to a fear of confrontation.

Assertive communication

Direct, open and honest communication. It involves the ability to express yourself and your views without denigrating the other person’s views. When communicating assertively you are probably more aware that you have the right to tell others how you wish to be treated. Often rests heavily on ‘I’ statements rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements.

Still need help?

Access the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service (Brisbane), Reconnect (Riverview), EPC (Inala) or Living Without Violence (Brisbane) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.