Helping children and young people cope with the emotions they experience after experiencing or witnessing domestic violence is terribly important for their well-being. It is important to keep in mind that in addition to the emotional turmoil that witnessing domestic violence can cause, domestic violence often directly endangers children.
Domestic violence
“Domestic violence” doesn’t just mean physical abuse, but also emotional, verbal, sexual and financial abuse. It includes to threats, manipulation and controlling behaviour. Most importantly, domestic abuse almost always involves an imbalance of power between the individuals involved.
When children witness any form of domestic abuse it has impacts on their sense of safety, self esteem, their feelings, beliefs about the world, relationships with others, etc. These effects can be long lasting.
Children may experience
- Getting hurt during physical violence.
- Attempting to intervene during violence between their parents or family members.
- Having their needs forgotten.
- Feeling, or actually being, threatened.
- A general sense of feeling unsafe impacting on their wellbeing.
- Feeling hurt and powerless as one parent is belittled by another.
- Extreme confusion in regard to loving a parent whom they simultaneously fear.
Other, less predictable, factors that can cause issues for children include:
- “Walking on egg shells” as tension builds before a violent outburst.
- Being present in the house (children rarely stay asleep when there is violence, or even an argument, happening in the house).
- Hearing screaming, threats and hitting.
- Being used as part of threats (for example, “I’ll take the kids and you will never see them again.”)
- Being manipulated to take sides, being encouraged to participate in the verbal abuse of the other parent.
- Blaming themselves for not being able to protect their parent.
What children learn
With parents as role models, children learn messages about behaviour. They can come to believe that:
- It is acceptable to abuse women or other people in general.
- Violence is an effective way to solve problems.
- There are few, if any, consequences for violent acts.
- It is possible to love and inflict pain at the same time.
- Aggression is an effective way to relieve stress.
Research has found that when children have witnessed their parents being abusive to each other, they are six times more likely to grow up to be abusive to their adult partner.
How children are affected
A range of emotional and behavioural responses have been identified in children who have witnessed or experienced violence. These include but are not limited to:
- Bedwetting.
- Aggression with other kids, toys or property.
- Withdrawn behaviour.
- Overly perfect behaviour.
- Learning or behavioural difficulties at school.
- Running away from home.
- Low self-esteem.
- Poor conflict resolution skills.
- Increased levels of anxiety.
- Seeking positive or negative attention.
Children from violent homes often feel responsible for the violence. They do not understand that it is an adult problem. It is common for a child to think “If only I’d …. this wouldn’t have happened.”
Children can suffer a great deal of emotional trauma that can manifest in a variety of different ways.
“In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are at a high risk of suffering physical and emotional abuse. Whether or not they are physically abused, children suffer significant emotional trauma said to be similar to that experienced by victims of child abuse.” —DVRC Fact Sheet No. 6, The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children.
What can you do?
Parents can help children cope with the overwhelming emotions they experience after witnessing domestic violence. Parents should attempt to:
- Create an environment that is safe and predictable.
- Make an extra effort to establish and maintain structure and routine.
- Be consistent: Ensure that rules are appropriate to age and development of the child. Be clear about limits and expectations.
- Be nurturing and comforting; express verbal and physical affection.
- Acknowledge a child’s right to have their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
- Participate in your child’s life; in their activities, school, sports, special events, etc.
- Provide independence; allow for privacy.
- Teach children appropriate ways to respond when they feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, worried or anxious.
- Talk and act in a way that enables children to feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Be gentle, be dependable.
- Encourage physical play every day.
- Provide healthy food.
- Reduce exposure to violent or scary TV, movies and video games.
- Limits a child’s intake of caffeine; encourage children to drink water.
- Establish distinct boundaries within the family.
- Let children know when you are running late/will be home late.
- Give children choices.
- Be patient with difficulties in concentration, completing school work and other tasks.
- Avoid physical punishment and responding to children in anger or ways that result in them feeling fearful.
- Provide safe ways for children to discharge their anger.
- Provide soothing activities before bed time.
- Contact a DV hotline such as
- Parent Help Line on 1300 30 1300
- DV advocacy service on 3217 2544
It is important for children to know that:
- The violence is never their fault.
- Violence by one parent against the other is never okay.
- You want them to be safe and not attempt to intervene.
- They are not alone.
Teach your children that they can learn to be safe by:
- Keeping away from the fighting.
- Having a plan for getting out of the home safely if they need to, and where they can go.
- Finding a trusted adult to talk to.
- Go to a neighbor’s home or other safe place.
- Know their name, address and phone number.
- Calling 000 when there is danger of someone being hurt.
- Calling Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) if they need someone to talk to.
Still need help?
Access the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service (Brisbane), Reconnect (Riverview), EPC (Inala) or Living Without Violence (Brisbane) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.
Adapted From: Resources For Children, Kent County dvccrt 2007
