Social skills

Development of social skills is so important to us, because we are all social beings. As children grow they have the opportunity to learn vital skills that will help them for the rest of their lives. Children who are likeable are more often happy and resilient, meaning they bounce back quickly when they are hurt.

The development of social skills for children depends on a few factors, including their personality, their age and their environment. An environment which nurtures a child’s social development is one in which the child is provided with opportunities to master certain skills through repetition, practice and feedback.

Types of social skills a child can learn

• Interaction skills – Smiling, making eye contact.
• Approach skills – How to approach another person or a group.
• Engaging skills – How to share, take turns, wait, follow rules, etc.
• Friendship skills – How to include others, show appropriate affection, etc.
• Empathy – How to take perspective, to relate to others, and care for them.
• Communication skills – How to express oneself. How to listen and give others space to express themselves.
• Sense of humour – How to have a laugh!
• Conflict resolution – How to manage disagreements in a socially acceptable manner.
• Assertiveness – How to say no, how to stand up for oneself, how to get needs met in a helpful way.

The role of parents and carers

Parents and carers play an important role in a child’s social development. The way in which a parent or carer interacts socially is a model for the child to learn from. When you’re modelling (i.e. exhibiting) certain behaviours, your child is learning vicariously what is effective. A child also learns through the guidance a parent or carer gives to them during their observed interaction with others.

Parents and carers can aid in a child’s social skill development by:

• Providing opportunities for the child to succeed in gaining social skills. For example, playing games such as snakes and ladders as a family gives you an opportunity to model and encourage sharing, listening, taking turns, etc.
• Providing instructions to children clearly and directly. For example, “it’s polite to say please when you ask for something,” or “when we play a game, we say well done to the winner and we shake their hand.”
• Being prepared to repeat instructions over and over. Children will take time to learn new skills.
• Help children to think of their own solutions rather than telling them how to solve a problem. For example, “What do you think you need to do here? What are your options?”
• Providing feedback. Children need help to learn that certain behaviours have certain results. It is helpful for a child to be asked to think about how a different behaviour might produce a different result. For example, “When you yelled, what happened? If you didn’t yell, what do you think might have happened? What can you do differently?”
  • The same is true for more helpful behaviour. For example, “When you shared your toy, what did you notice?” Getting children to do the thinking themselves helps them to learn, to develop the problem solving skills. It also encourages their sense of confidence.
• Talking with children in ways that help them see that their behaviour is separate to them as people. Children sometimes struggle to see themselves as separate to their behaviour, so will often view themselves as bad people if they do something you don’t like. Saying to a child, “This hitting is a lot of trouble!” is far less damaging to their view of themselves than, “You are a lot of trouble.”

During a conflict

• Help children come to win-win solutions. A win-win philosophy leads to assertive communication and problem solving.
• Encourage compromise and negotiation.
• Encourage everyone to be willing to fix the problem.
• Encourage everyone to say what the problem is for them.
• Attack the problem, not the person. This means helping children to understand that it is the problem that is the enemy, not the other person.
• Look for answers so everyone gets what they need.
• Be aware of how you interact with others, as your child is learning from you.

If you would like further advice or support, or some supportive counselling for your child, please get in touch with our Family and Relationship Service (Brisbane), Operation Kinder Community (Riverview) or Early Parent Centre (Inala).