Managing children's behaviour - Better Relationships

Managing children’s behaviour in times of stress

Managing children’s behaviour can be hard at the best of times, and when you add stressful life events, it can seem impossible! Unfortunately, this is when it is most important that we do so.

Ultimately, the goal of managing our children’s behaviour is that they learn appropriate ways to behave. It is important to keep in mind that children do not just learn about behaviour from what we tell them, they will also learn about how to behave from watching what we do.

Sometimes if we make small changes in what we say or do, it can have a huge impact on our children.

Stress can affect our parenting

The more stressful life events that happen, the greater the impact on parents. Stress can hugely decrease our ability to be patient, and it increases the potential for us to become irritable or short-tempered. This is a common experience, but unfortunately does not make for effective parenting!

Before anything else, finding helpful ways to deal with stress is incredibly important. This will build your resilience and your ability to cope with every day dramas. Your stress management strategies do not need to be complex. It can be doing some physical activity, exercise, talking with friends, doing something fun like watching a comedy show or movie, doing something creative, finding a hobby, or simply listening to music. If you want more ideas, see the pages on Managing stress and Self care in times of high stress.

Understanding children’s behaviour

Before we think about how to respond to our children, it can be helpful to spend a few minutes thinking about what they are doing, thinking and feeling. It can help us to understand their world (life through their eyes), and why they do what they do.

Most of children’s behaviour is driven by needs. Children (and adults for that matter) want their needs met, and they will do what they think necessary to see this happen. The need can be a conscious one (e.g. food, warmth, attention/affection) or an unconscious one (e.g. to feel safe, to be heard and understood). If questionable behaviour occurs, it might be helpful to ask yourself this question:

What need is my child seeking to fulfil?

If we think about things from this perspective, we are not thinking that they are ‘just being naughty,’ which in turn can make us feel angry. Anyone’s parenting ability takes a nosedive when they’re feeling angry. Rather, when we look for the answer to this question we are taking a functional approach. We are reflecting and responding, rather than simply reacting. This alone is a very effective parenting strategy.

Managing children's distress

Another thing that can drive children’s behaviour is emotions. It might be helpful to think about whether your child is upset, lonely, bored, scared or frustrated. Sometimes when a child is tired or hungry or overstimulated, they can act in ways that are frustrating to parents. Sometimes meeting a child’s need for food, or to be comforted, can help to calm a child down.

Having an understanding of our children’s needs can help us be aware of how to respond to them, which in turn helps to manage their behaviour.

Consequences

Rather than talking about ‘punishment,’ it might be helpful to use the idea of ‘consequences.’ The idea is that for every action, there is a certain consequence. It is a bit like cause and effect. The thing about consequences is that they can help children to understand that the choices they make (their behaviour) will have a certain outcome. This, in turn, teaches them responsibility — for their choices and their behaviour itself.

Being prepared for this discussion is important. Start to think about what behaviour is not okay (reasonable limits), as well as what a reasonable consequence might be.

It might be helpful to sit down with your family and brainstorm family limits and consequences. Allowing children input into this process can help them take ownership of the rules and consequences.

Say, for example, a child has been asked to do a certain chore, and it does not get done. Having a consequence chosen in advance — for example, missing out on some type of enjoyable activity, like TV or computer time — means there can’t really be an argument about it when it is enforced. Everyone already agreed what would happen in this situation.

Effective phrasing

Asking a child “What are you doing?” or “Why are you doing that?” will not usually get a very helpful response from them. Rather, try asking your child “What should you be doing?” This focuses their attention on what you have asked them to do. Children will often forget what we have asked them to do, as they are busy doing what is important and interesting to them. So re-stating what you have asked in a clear way (short is best) is part of the process of effective parenting.

Again, you can ask your child, “What should you be doing?”

Another option is something like, “Do you remember the consequence if you keep doing ______ (or don’t do_____)?”

If your child does not do as you have asked them, then say to them something like, “I see that you are choosing not to do _____, so that means you are choosing ________ as a consequence.”

Implementing consequences

It is important to remember that consequences are best implemented on the day of the behaviour, and are most effective if they only last one day. Having a clean slate the next day provides hope and encouragement for them to do better. It also reassures your child that their behaviour from yesterday has been dealt with, and their relationship with you is OK.

It is helpful to be calm, consistent and fair during this process.

Imagine that your child ‘forgot’ to clean their breakfast dishes before leaving for school. They come home and you remind them that a consequence for that is to clean them as soon as they’ve arrived home, rather than watching TV, and also to clean the sink/kitchen bench afterwards. Your child goes ahead and begins to do this, but with a lot of eye-rolling, sighing or muttering.

Sometimes it is all too easy for parents, when they are frustrated, to comment on these small acts of defiance or disgruntlement. It may be best to try and pick your battles by ignoring those behaviours, especially if they are doing as you have asked them. If we choose now to comment on those behaviours it can distract from what we want them to focus on, and they can become more irritated.

Talking with your children about their behaviour

It is vitally important to be as calm as possible when talking with your child about their behaviour. If you are speaking in a cranky tone of voice, or yelling, then it is likely that your child might talk back in the same way. They are much less likely to hear what you are saying, and more likely to just focus on defending themselves.

If you notice you are beginning to feel angry, take a five minute break to calm down. Go and have a coffee, a quick shower or a walk in the back yard. When you are feeling calmer, then it is time to sit down with your child and talk.

Using positive language is important when speaking with our children. Calling them names will more than likely make them feel bad about themselves and make their behaviour worse. Using positive language will build their self-esteem and make them more likely listen to what you are saying.

If you want to know more about what has motivated your child’s behaviour, you might like to try asking them (when both of you are calm) what was happening for them at the time. What was happening beforehand, what were they feeling or thinking?

They might not be able to tell you, or they might surprise you. It could even give your child the chance to feel listened to and can help them to put words to their feelings. It also sometimes helps them to understand their own behaviour, and how they might do things differently next time. You could talk about possible solutions or things that they could try to manage their feelings.

You should only ask these questions, though, if you are willing to hear an honest answer and can be calm and understanding when they share this with you.

Looking out for when our children are doing ‘the right thing’

Most people like encouragement — we all like to hear when we are getting it right! Being on the look-out for when our kids are behaving well and letting them know is a great way to reinforce positive behaviour.

Children need our attention, and any attention for them is better than nothing! Making comments like ‘Thanks for doing _____’ or ‘I liked the way you did _______’ are some examples. Basically, if they get positive attention for ‘doing the right thing’ then they are more likely to do it again!

Finally, teaching appropriate behaviour is most effective in a strong parent child relationship. So it is important to have some fun with each other first. Take the time to listen to your child. Take the time to do something enjoyable with each other. Build up your relationship — you’ll find this will be the best way to prevent family issues.

If you already have a strong and positive relationship, you’ll undoubtedly find managing children’s behaviour is much, much easier.