Effective communication

Communication is something many people take for granted. This is pretty bizarre, considering that effective communication is the very basis of any relationship! The fact is, the amount of energy you put into communicating (including both speaking and hearing), will come back to you in the form of quality relationships.

A good communicator:

• Is expressive at sending information.
• Is empathic when listening.
• Engages in problem solving.

Communication skills include:

• Verbal and non-verbal behaviours.
• Motivation/commitment.
• The ability to manage your own emotions.
• Mindfulness of self and responsiveness to others.

Communication skills

Non-verbal communication

Non-verbal communication refers to communication without words. This can be both vocal and non-vocal. It means using your facial expression, eyes, the tone or volume of your voice, your posture, gestures, touch, distance/personal space, and even clothing. Non-verbal communication can be confusing — some behaviours can have double meanings or be more difficult to interpret. It can also involve individual, cultural or gender differences.

 

Sending information

There are three widely talked about communication styles:

Aggressive	Passive	Assertive
Standing up for one’s own personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of the other person.	Violating one’s own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs, and consequently permitting others to violate oneself; OR, expressing oneself in such an apologetic or self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them.	Standing up for one’s personal rights, as well as expressing thoughts, feelings & beliefs in direct, honest & appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights.
WIN/LOSE interpersonal dynamic	LOSE/WIN dynamic	WIN/WIN dynamic

Assertive communication

As outlined above, much of our communication is non-verbal. Assertive communication involves body language that conveys openness and receptiveness.

You will come across as assertive when your posture is upright, your movements are relaxed, and your tone of voice is firm, clear and with appropriate inflection. An assertive person also makes good eye contact and is aware of personal space.

Assertive communication is the most effective communication style. It means:

• Taking the time to think about what you want to say, ensuring you are conveying the right message.
• Being willing to express your opinion; not silently sitting back for fear of not being liked.
• Validating the thoughts and feelings of others without necessarily agreeing with them.
• Being sincere, honest and direct without being argumentative or threatening.
• Being open-minded and genuinely willing to understand where the other person is coming from.
• Knowing it is okay to disagree or say “no.”
• Only apologising when it is truly warranted.

“I” statements

Appropriately expressing your needs and feelings is an important part of being assertive. This can be accomplished using “I” statements. This takes responsibility for your emotions rather than attributing blame. It is direct and honest. It focuses on behaviour and its effects. “I” statements have three specific elements:

• Behaviour
• Feelings
• Consequences

An “I” statement can thus take the form:

“I feel ______ when _______, because ______,” or
“I feel ______ when you ______, and would prefer ______.”

Be specific when you’re referencing the other person’s behaviour; use a recent example rather then generalising. Be sure you’re owning your feelings. It can be helpful to keep in mind that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Nothing and no one can make you feel a certain way.

Your tone of voice and body language is also really important here; just as important as the words themselves. Try to be genuine, calm and open. If you make an “I” statement in a sarcastic way, it will still come across as aggressive.

Examples:

Blaming/“You” statement	“I” statement
You’re late again, just like always!	I feel frustrated when you run late, because it throws me off schedule too.
You don’t care about me anymore.	I feel lonely when you don’t call me for so long. Can we work something out together?
You said you’d have that report done a week ago!	I am getting really behind on my own work since I don’t have that report yet.

Listening skills

Effective listening is an extremely important part of good communication skills. Effective listening involves more than just hearing, it involves fully understanding the other person’s message, and then demonstrating your understanding or asking for clarification.

It is helpful to identify and deal with any potential blocks to effective listening. These can include:

• Inappropriate time.
• Lack of interest.
• History of the relationship.
• Incompatible goals.
• Internal or external distractions.
• Biases or stereotypes.
• Assumptions or attributions.

An important point to remember is:

Interpretation does not equal intention.

When someone sends you a message (by speaking to you), you figure out what it most likely means: you interpret it. However the way that you interpret it may not be the way the other person meant it.

Really hearing the person

A range of things can affect the way you receive the message, such as your perception of the other person, the history of your relationship with each other, or your mood at the time.

A good example is an argument in which you’re feeling pretty angry. When we’re angry, often we lose sight of our relationship goals, and our goal becomes “being right” or “winning,” rather than solving the problem. It becomes pretty easy to, either consciously or unconsciously, misinterpret what the other person is saying.

Effective communication means stepping back from that frame of mind, and keeping your wider values and goals as the priority. It involves being aware of your own perceptions, and also checking out whether your interpretation is correct. This can be as simple as saying something like:

“You’re saying that you’re fine, but your tone of voice doesn’t seem to reflect that.”

Reflecting back what you’ve heard can also help when confirming you’ve interpreted correctly, or when seeking clarification.

“What I’m hearing you say is (reflect back in your own words). Am I getting that right?”

This is known as active listening. It not only helps with your own understanding of the situation, it also helps the other person to feel heard and validated.

Steps to active listening

1. Preparation.
   • Focus on the other person; motivate yourself to be attentive.
   • Identify and deal with distractions.
   • Choose an appropriate time and place.
   • Gather information as appropriate.
2. Attending skills.
   • Use non-verbal behaviours that communicate interest.
     • Facial expression (alert, smiling).
     • Gestures (nodding).
     • Posture (alert and involved).
     • Eye contact.
     • Proximity.
3. Following skills.
   • Encourage the speaker to continue.
   • Maintain an attentive silence.
   • Use minimal encouragers (nod, smile, say “mhmm,” or “go on,” etc).
   • Open question (“what was that like?” or “and then what?”)
4. Reflection skills.
   • These are used to communicate your understanding, to gain more understanding, and can help clarify the situation for the speaker as well.
   • It involves paraphrasing in your own words what has been said and/or the dominant emotions involved.
     • “As I understand it, you think…”
     • “So what you’re saying is…”
     • “It seems you’re feeling…”
   • Example:
     • Person A: “My supervisor keeps asking me questions about my personal life. I wish she’d mind her own business.”
     • Person B: “You feel annoyed that she won’t respect your privacy.”
5. Ask questions.
   • To gain a deeper understanding of the problem.
   • Questions prompt the speaker to explore their own thoughts about the issue.
   • They can be used to seek elaboration, specific detail, or clarify and check your understanding.
   • But they should be used with sensitivity. Avoid bombarding, grilling or asking “why” (which can put the speaker on the defensive).

In summary, some quick tips

• Genuinely hear what the other person has to say, and demonstrate this with non-verbal behaviours.
• Accept the other person’s feelings and beliefs, whatever they may be.
• Check out that you have heard or interpreted the other person correctly.
• Try to understand the other person’s perspective by putting yourself in their shoes.
• Stand up for your own rights and needs while respecting those of others.
• Own your feelings.

That’s the basics of effective communication.

Still need help?

Access the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service (couple’s counselling) or Prepare/Enrich (relationship education program) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.