Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and belonging we have in our personal relationships. It is a familiar and very close emotional connection with someone. This connection grows when we form a bond with someone that is based on knowledge of each other, and shared experiences.
Genuine intimacy in relationships requires communication, honesty, vulnerability and reciprocity. It needs to go both ways. We become more intimate with someone as we share more of ourselves with them – more time, and more knowledge about ourselves.
Intimacy often grows naturally in relationships, especially in the early stages. To sustain a long-term relationship, however, we need to develop and maintain an awareness of ourselves, our partner and the relationship. To continue growing closer to each other, we need to engage in various forms of intimacy — and there are quite a few forms of intimacy!
Different people have different preferred styles of being intimate. We all have our own quirks as to how we express our care for someone, and our own expectations of how others will show us they care. A lot of the time, this is all unspoken. We’re often not even really consciously aware of it.
Sometimes two individuals can have such different styles of expressing care and intimacy that they can go unnoticed. As such, it is not uncommon for individuals in long-term relationships to feel that their intimacy requirements are not being met. Often what is really happening is that each partner in the relationship has a different intimacy style. Therefore it’s important that we each understand the ways in which the other partner ‘expresses’ their love and care.
Comparing intimacy styles
Take a look at the list of different types of intimacy below. Do any stick out as things that make you feel loved and cared for? Which ones do you prefer to use to express your affection for your partner? Note them down.
Then read through the list a second time, and this time pick out the ones that you think your partner might prefer to receive and to use. Note these down too.
What differences do you notice?
It might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner to acknowledge the different ways you each express your love and closeness to each other.
Some types of intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Sharing a wide range of both positive and negative feelings in an open and trusting way, without fear of judgement or rejection. Emotional intimacy requires a certain amount of willingness to be vulnerable.
Physical intimacy
Delighting in being sensual, playful and sensitive in sexual intimacy that is joyful and fulfilling for you both. Being physically intimate also includes being physically affectionate. Touching, holding hands, hugging, snuggling, kissing, caressing and being comfortably within each other’s personal space.
Cognitive intimacy
Being open and transparent with your thoughts, expectations, dreams, beliefs and ideas in an open and comfortable way. Being willing to hearing the thoughts of your partner while being open-minded, collaborative, respectful and caring, as needed.
Intellectual intimacy
Sharing ideas, or talking about issues, while connecting with each other’s interests. Celebrating differences. Hotly debating opinions and still respecting each other’s beliefs and views.
Spiritual intimacy
Discussing how spirituality works in each of your lives, and respecting each other’s particular spiritual needs and beliefs.
Conflict intimacy
Being able to work through differences in a fair way. A willingness to listen as much as you talk. Reaching solutions that are broadly and mutually satisfactory, recognizing that perfect solutions are rarely part of human life. Negotiation and compromise are key, to ensuring everyone wins, at least a little!
Work intimacy
Being able to agree on ways to share the common load of tasks in maintaining your home, earning your living(s) and pursuing other mutually agreed goals. Sharing stories and work experiences with each other, debriefing after work, and supporting each other.
Parenting intimacy
If you have children, developing shared ways of being supportive to each other while enabling your children to grow and become separate individuals. Working together to figure out a parenting style that effectively melds the ways you’ve learnt to be parents.
Crisis intimacy
Standing together in times of crisis, both external and internal to your relationship. Always being available to offer support and understanding, and in turn, leaning on your partner when you need support.
Aesthetic intimacy
Delighting together in beauty, music, art, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences. Being prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.
Play intimacy
Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humour. Letting go, and being silly with each other, in whatever style you prefer.
Giving intimacy
Providing gifts, doing small favours, and giving practical assistance where needed, or is thought to be appreciated. Making an effort to predict the little things that will make your partner happy.
A fully intimate relationship ideally includes all of the above types of intimacy!
I’m not sure how to explain. I have a lot of difficulty trying to share emotionally with my husband. He sees any attempt to communicate how I feel as an attack, even when I’m careful to use “I” language, as I’ve been taught with communication. He tends to lead the discussion into a sort of legal argument, like a lawyer in a court case with me as the accused on the witness stand. I’m not as good at argument as he is.
He is quite a dominate person and not emotionally expressive except with frustration, anger and disdain; he is good at those emotions. After an attempt at communication (that always reduces to an argument that I lose), he is cold and distant for awhile, then acts as if nothing has happened and expects me to do the same. He is also highly critical of me and most people around him, but doesn’t see this as a problem because he believes his criticism are correct. (Sometimes they are but it still doesn’t help me feel good in the relationship.)
He has had burnout and has a sort of low level depression all the time so I try to make allowances. But when I get down myself I find I can’t handle the relationship. I usually manage to get back up emotionally but its hard at times and at the moment is one of these times. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
Hi, thanks for your question.
You mentioned your husband sees your attempts at communicating with him as attacks. You said that although you try to talk to him assertively and non-threateningly, these talks tend to turn into an argument which you seem to lose most of the time. You feel criticised by him often, and that your mood gets low and you struggle to cope in this relationship.
It sounds like a really difficult situation. From the quite limited information I have my guess is that you are trying really hard, but your husband continues to use aggressive strategies to maintain his power in the relationship. This is a situation where I would suggest couple’s counselling. This would enable a counsellor to teach you both more assertive, respectful ways of communicating with each other. Do you think your husband would be open to this?
If he wouldn’t be then it’s a bit more difficult. There’s a point at which we have to acknowledge that we cannot change someone else’s behaviour. However I can offer a bit of advice. Keep in mind it does depend on your husband’s own style of relating as to whether it will work or not. However if you are persistent in your attempts, changing the way you communicate with him can gradually encourage him to respond to you differently as well.
You mentioned you are using “I” language, however he still responds to this defensively. When this is kind of thing happens it can be helpful is to look at your own communication style a bit closer. Ask yourself, when you are communicating your feelings and needs to your husband, whether or not you are using the “I” statements to “own” your feelings. Owning your feelings, which means taking responsibility for them, is what makes I language effective.
The opposite of owning your feelings is blaming someone else for them, and it is blaming language that tends to make someone respond defensively. Take a look at these two examples:
Example 1: “I feel sad and worthless when you tell me I’m no good at something, because it makes me feel like I am not contributing to this relationship. It might be more helpful to me if you were to point out when I do things well instead, because it would let me know when I’m doing something right, make me feel good about myself, and encourage me to put in even more effort.”
Example 2: “I feel upset because you always criticize me and I don’t think it’s fair.”
Both of these examples use “I” language but only example 1 really owns the feelings, takes responsibility for them and suggests a resolution. Example 2, while beginning with “I”, actually still uses blaming (the opposite of “owning”) as its main strategy. It would probably still trigger the other person to respond defensively.
I hope that helps. Please do contact us if you do decide you and your husband would like some further support.