Resolving conflict in a healthy way is important in any relationship. The Conflict Resolution Model is a way of responding to a possible conflict situation in an assertive manner. It involves five steps that can easily be memorized.
It can be helpful to think of real-life situations to help you understand what is meant by assertiveness, so we’ll be using an example. Suppose you have been attending a weekly support group with a friend, and you have been driving your friend to these meetings for several weeks. In the last few days, however, he has not been ready when you have come to pick him up. His tardiness has resulted in both of you being late for meetings. Because you value being on time, this is something that bothers you a great deal.
Now let’s look at this situation using the Conflict Resolution Model.
The first step involves identifying the problem that is causing the conflict. It is important to be specific when identifying the problem. In this example, the problem causing the conflict is that your friend is late.
The second step involves identifying the feelings associated with the conflict. In this example, you may feel annoyance, frustration, or taken for granted.
The third step involves identifying the specific impact of the problem that is causing the conflict. In this example, the impact or outcome is that you are late for the meeting. The fourth step involves deciding whether to resolve the conflict or let it go. This may best be phrased by the questions, “Is the conflict important enough to bring up? If I do not try to resolve this issue, will it lead to feelings of anger and resentment?”
If you decide that the conflict is important enough, then the fifth step is necessary. The fifth step is to address and work towards resolving the conflict. This involves checking out the schedule of the other person. The schedule is important because you might bring up the conflict when the other person does not have the time to address it or when he or she may be preoccupied with another issue. Once you have agreed on a time with the person, you can describe the conflict, your feelings, and the impact of the conflict and ask for a resolution.
For example, the interaction may sound like this:
Joe: Hey, Frank, sorry I’m late.
Frank: Hi, Joe. Can I talk to you about that?
Joe: Sure. Is something wrong?
Frank: Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been late for the last few days when I’ve come to pick you up. Today, I realized that I was starting to feel frustrated and a bit taken for granted. When you are late, we are both late for the meeting, which makes me uncomfortable. I like to be on time. I’m wondering if you can make an effort to be on time in the future.
Joe: Frank, I didn’t realize how bothered you were about that. I apologize for being late, and I will be on time in the future. I’m glad you brought this problem up to me.
Of course, this is an idealized version of an outcome that may be achieved with the Conflict Resolution Model. Joe could have responded unfavourably, or defensively, by accusing Frank of making a big deal out of nothing. Joe may have minimized and discounted Frank’s feelings, leaving the conflict unresolved.
The Conflict Resolution Model is useful even when conflicts are not resolved. Many times, you will feel better about trying to resolve a conflict in an assertive manner rather than acting passively or aggressively. Specifically, you may feel that you have done all that you could do to resolve the conflict. In this example, if Frank decided not to give Joe a ride in the future, or if Frank decided to end his friendship with Joe, he could do so knowing that he first tried to resolve the conflict in an assertive manner.
Resolving conflict: The steps
- Identify the problem that is causing the conflict
- Identify the feelings that are associated with the conflict
- Identify the impact of the problem that is causing the conflict
- Decide whether to resolve the conflict
- Work for resolution of the conflict
- How would you like the problem to be resolved?
- Is a compromise needed?
Still need help?
Access the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service (couples counselling), Living Without Violence (group program for men), or Prepare/Enrich (relationship education program) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.
I need help with this. Im in a relationship for 9 years now. when my partner and I first started seeing each other he started working for my my parents, my brother also works in my parents business. I have my own business thats seperate to my parents. my partner has now left the family business, and took the opportunity to run his own business, doing the same sort of work in the same township. local businesses wants to use him to do the work that my parents have got, and it puts me right in the middle of conflict.
I do the books on my partners side of things because he cant afford to put anyone on. my dad would rather have me done that for his business a long time ago, but I just wasnt interested in that line of work back then. I dont mind doing it now, but I can see its going to rub salt into the wound on my parents behalf.
this has pretty much torn my partner away from my family and is tearing me apart. I am a family orientated type of girl, so my family means everything to me. My parents have also put a lot of work into my own business, as its not going too well since we purchased it 6 years ago. they have forked out a lot of money for it also and its ongoing. I do the majority of everything in my own business but am in partnership with my sister, who doesnt seem to be motivated to go out and get the work.
if it wasnt for my parents, we wouldnt have my little business, that I put my heart and soul into. my partner is angry with all of it as he can see what it is doing to me.
how can I balance all this.
Hi Star,
Thanks for getting in touch with us and sharing your experiences.
It really does sound like you are stuck in the middle, being pulled in a lot of different directions.
One the one hand you have your parents and their business, and on the other you have your business, as well as your partner and his new business. It sounds like it has become competitive between them all, and I’m guessing this has put considerable strain on the relationship between your partner and your family. Not even to mention the pressure on you as well, as you clearly have loyalties to both your family and to your partner.
The fact that you are helping your partner out with his books while he starts up seems like it could cause some further difficulty between you and your parents. This is causing you some distress, particularly as your parents have been supporting you in your own business.
What I’m hearing from your story is that you care deeply for your family and for your partner, and want simply to support them all. Unfortunately as they have competing businesses, this does indeed put you right in the middle. I certainly don’t envy your position, being tugged both ways! And with the added stress of working so very hard to make your own business work.
I wonder how you are managing to get through all this? You clearly have some strengths or supports to be able to deal with all these pressures at once without blowing a gasket! What has been helping you so far, what makes it all a bit easier to deal with? Maybe there are some strategies there that you might be able to build on?
The first step is self care, to build your ability to cope with stress and maintain your own wellbeing. This is true for any difficult situation! It means eating well, sleeping well, engaging in exercise, and making time to do things you fine meaningful, enjoyable and relaxing – even if at times it seems selfish and thoughts like “I should be being more productive” come in. Engaging in self care *is* productive if it enables you to have more energy to put into the things you want to achieve!
I also wonder what kinds of conversations you have had – with 1. your parents, 2. your partner, and 3. your sister – around all these issues, and whether they know how you feel? Because I definitely get from your message that you want to support them, and want everyone to be happy, but just have so much going on. I mean, you can’t be everywhere and can’t do everything!
It seems like there are several parts to these problems. One is to make sure you’re able to cope – the self care stuff mentioned above. Another is to open communication with those around you in an assertive way. To share your feelings, experiences, hopes, fears and expectations – hopefully in a way that encourages understanding, empathy, compromise and problem solving. And the last is to clarify your own goals and priorities – to clarify for yourself what your top values are, what you hope to achieve in the long term, and to use these ideas to set out a series of short term, step by step goals for reaching a point where you feel satisfied with what you’ve achieved.
If that all seems like a bit much, perhaps some counselling to explore and map it all out a bit might help. I’m not sure where you are based, but please do get in touch if you are in Brisbane (for face to face counselling) or Queensland (for online counselling) if you would like more support.
All the best to you Star.