Anger control planning

Up to this point, if you have read our first article on Anger Management, you have been focusing on how to monitor your anger. In that article we have covered how to use the anger meter to rate your anger. We then went over how to identify the events that trigger anger, as well as the physical, behavioural, emotional, and cognitive cues associated with each event. Now, we will begin to look at how to develop an anger control plan and how you can use specific strategies, such as timeouts and relaxation, to control your anger. Later on we will cover other strategies, such as learning to change negative or hostile self-talk and using the Conflict Resolution Model. These more advanced strategies can be used along with timeouts and relaxation.

The basic idea in developing an anger control plan is to try many different strategies and find the anger control techniques that work best for you. Once you identify these strategies, you can add them to your anger control plans and use them when you start to get angry. Some people refer to their anger control plans as their toolbox and the specific strategies they use to control their anger as their tools. This analogy may be very helpful. Again, it is important to identify the specific anger control strategies that work best for you. These strategies should be put down in a formal anger control plan for referral when you encounter an anger-provoking event.

An effective strategy that many people use, for example, is to talk about their feelings with a supportive friend who was not involved with the event that made them angry. By discussing anger, you can begin to identify the primary emotions that underlie it and determine whether your thinking and expectations in response to the anger-provoking event are rational. Often a friend whom you trust can provide a different perspective on what is going on in your life. Even if your friend just listens, expressing your feelings can often make you feel better.

The long-term objective of the anger management treatment is to develop a set of strategies that you can use appropriately for specific anger-provoking events. Later we will introduce a menu of strategies and techniques that are helpful in managing anger. Once you have selected the strategies that work best, you should refine them by applying them in real-life situations. To use the toolbox analogy, different tools may be needed for different situations. We will return to this concept in later sessions and highlight the importance of developing an anger control plan that helps you manage anger effectively in a variety of situations.

Time out

As mentioned in the previous article, the concept of a time out is especially important to anger management. It is the basic anger management strategy recommended for inclusion in everyone’s anger control plan. Informally, a time out is defined as leaving the situation that is causing the escalation of anger or simply stopping the discussion that is provoking it.

Formally, a time out involves relationships with other people: It involves an agreement or a prearranged plan. These relationships may involve family members, friends, and co-workers. Any of the parties involved may call a time out in accordance with rules that have been agreed on by everyone in advance. The person calling the time out can leave the situation, if necessary. It is agreed, however, that he or she will return to either finish the discussion or postpone it, depending on whether all those involved feel they can successfully resolve the issue.

Time outs are important because they can be effective in the heat of the moment. Even if your anger is escalating quickly on the anger meter, you can prevent reaching 10 by taking a time out and leaving the situation.

Time outs are also effective when they are used with other strategies. For example, you can take a time out and go for a walk. You can also take a time out and call a trusted friend or family member or write in your journal. These other strategies should help you calm down during the time out period.

Can you think of specific strategies that you might use to control your anger?

Should these strategies be included on your anger control plan?

Relaxation through breathing

We have discussed the physical cues to anger, such as an increased heartbeat, feeling hot or flushed, or muscle tension. These types of physical cues are examples of what is commonly called the stress response. In the stress response, the nervous system is energized, and in this agitated state, a person is likely to have trouble returning to lower levels on the anger meter. In this state, additional anger-provoking situations and events are likely to cause a further escalation of anger.

An interesting aspect of the nervous system is that everyone has a relaxation response that counteracts the stress response. It is physically impossible to be both agitated and relaxed at the same time. If you can relax successfully, you can counteract the stress or anger response.

We will end this session by practicing a deep-breathing exercise as a relaxation technique. Later on we will practice progressive muscle relaxation as a secondary type of relaxation technique.

Breathing exercise

Get comfortable in your chair. If you like, after reading through this to get the gist, close your eyes to give it a try; or just gaze at the floor.

Take a few moments to settle yourself. Now make yourself aware of your body. Check your body for tension, beginning with your feet, and scan upward to your head. Notice any tension you might have in your legs, your stomach, your hands and arms, your shoulders, your neck, and your face. Try to let go of the tension you are feeling.

Now, make yourself aware of your breathing. Pay attention to your breath as it enters and leaves your body. This can be very relaxing.

Take a deep breath. Notice your lungs and chest expanding. Now slowly exhale through your nose. Be aware of what it feels like to breathe — attend to all the sensations. Again, take a deep breath. Breathe into your abdomen — place your hand on your belly and feel it rise with the breath. Push it down to your abdomen from your lungs. Hold it for a second. Now release it and slowly exhale. One more time, inhale slowly and fully. Hold it for a second, and release.

Continue breathing in this way for another couple of minutes. Continue to focus your attention on your breathing. If you notice your mind wandering (and it will), just bring your attention back to your breath. With each inhalation and exhalation, feel your body becoming more and more relaxed. Use your breathing to wash away any remaining tension.

Practice breathing for 1 to 2 minutes in silence.

Now let’s take another deep breath. Inhale fully, hold it for a second, and release. Inhale again, hold, and release. Continue to be aware of your breath as it fills your lungs. Once more, inhale fully, hold it for a second, and release.

When you you are done, open your eyes.

How was that? Did you notice any new sensations while you were breathing? How do you feel now?

This breathing exercise can be shortened to just three deep inhalations and exhalations. Even that much can be effective in helping you relax when your anger is escalating. You can practice this at home, at work, on the bus, while waiting for an appointment, or even while walking. The key to making deep-breathing an effective relaxation technique is to practice it frequently and to apply it in a variety of situations.

Progressive muscle relaxation exercise

Already we’ve practiced deep-breathing as a relaxation technique. Now we will introduce progressive muscle relaxation. Start by getting comfortable in your chair. Close your eyes if you like. Take a moment to really settle in. Now, as you did last time, begin to focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second. Now exhale fully and completely. Again, take a deep breath. Fill your lungs and chest. Now release and exhale slowly. Again, one more time, inhale slowly, hold, and release.

Now, while you continue to breathe deeply and fully, bring your awareness to your hands. Clench your fists very tightly. Hold that tension. Now relax your fists, letting your fingers unfold and letting your hands completely relax. Again, clench your fists tightly. Hold and release the tension. Imagine all the tension being released from your hands down to your fingertips. Notice the difference between the tension and complete relaxation.

Now bring your awareness to your arms. Curl your arms as if you are doing a bicep curl. Tense your fists, forearms, and biceps. Hold the tension and release it. Let the tension in your arms unfold and your hands float back to your thighs. Feel the tension drain out of your arms. Again, curl your arms to tighten your biceps. Notice the tension, hold, and release. Let the tension flow out of your arms. Replace it with deep muscle relaxation.

Now raise your shoulders toward your ears. Really tense your shoulders. Hold them up for a second. Gently drop your shoulders, and release all the tension. Again, lift your shoulders, hold the tension, and release. Let the tension flow from your shoulders all the way down your arms to your fingers. Notice how different your muscles feel when they are relaxed.

Now bring your awareness to your neck and face. Tense all those muscles by making a face. Tense your neck, jaw, and forehead. Hold the tension, and release. Let the muscles of your neck and jaw relax. Relax all the lines in your forehead. One final time, tense all the muscles in your neck and face, hold, and release. Be aware of your muscles relaxing at the top of your head and around your eyes. Let your eyes relax in their sockets, almost as if they were sinking into the back of your head. Relax your jaw and your throat. Relax all the muscles around your ears. Feel all the tension in your neck muscles release.

Now just sit for a few moments. Scan your body for any tension and release it. Notice how your body feels when your muscles are completely relaxed.

When you are ready, open your eyes. How was that? Did you notice any new sensations? How does your body feel now? How about your state of mind? Do you notice any difference now from when you started?

Still need help?

Access the Anglicare SQ Family and Relationship Service (Brisbane) or the Living Without Violence program (Brisbane) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.

Other articles in this series

• Anger control planning
• Common myths about anger
• The aggression cycle
• Communicating assertively