Communicating assertively, calmly and rationally is the key to smooth interactions with others, particularly when there is conflict or anger. Assertive communication can be difficult if you’re feeling angry, but there are things you can do to train yourself to be effective when there’s conflict.
Many interpersonal conflicts occur when you feel that your rights have been violated. Think back to before you started looking for ways to manage your anger. Whenever you you believed that another person showed you disrespect or violated your rights, you may have automatically responded with aggressive behaviour. However there are several ways to resolve conflict without resorting to aggression. Because there are often negative consequences that can result from aggressive behaviour, these are important skills to learn.
Aggressive, passive & assertive communication
As we discussed in the Anger Management article, aggression is behaviour that is intended to cause harm or injury to another person or damage property. This behaviour can include verbal abuse, non-verbal body language, threats, or violent acts. Often, when another person has violated your rights, your first reaction is to fight back or retaliate. The basic message of aggression is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant.
One alternative to using aggressive behaviour is to act passively, or in a non-assertive manner. Acting in a passive or non-assertive way is also undesirable, because you then allow your rights to be violated. You may thus resent the person who violated your rights, and you may also be angry with yourself for not standing up for your rights. In addition, it is likely that you will become even more angry the next time you encounter this person.
The basic message of passivity is that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, but my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant. Acting in a passive or non-assertive way may help you avoid the negative consequences associated with aggression, but it may also lead to negative personal consequences. Some of these include diminished self-esteem, unspoken resentment, and unmet needs.
So what is assertive communication?
From an anger management perspective, the best way to deal with a person who has violated your rights is to act assertively. Communicating assertively involves standing up for your rights in a way that is respectful of other people. The basic message of assertiveness is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are equally important. By acting and communicating assertively, you can express your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs to the person who violated your rights without suffering the negative consequences associated with aggression. You will also avoid having your own needs and feelings devalued, which happens with passivity or non-assertion.
It is important to emphasize that assertive, aggressive, and passive responses are learned behaviours. They are not innate, unchangeable traits. Using the Conflict Resolution Model, you can learn to develop assertive responses that allow you to manage interpersonal conflicts in a more effective way.
In summary, aggression involves expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a harmful and disrespectful way. Passivity or non-assertiveness involves failing to express feelings, thoughts, and beliefs or expressing them in an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard. Assertiveness involves standing up for your rights and expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that do not violate the rights of others or show disrespect.
Read more information about communicating assertively.
Still need help?
Access the Anglicare SQ Family and Relationship Service (Brisbane) or the Living Without Violence program (Brisbane) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.
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