Before you can change the way you think about anger, and the way you act when you’re feeling angry, it can be helpful to dispel any myths about anger you might hold. It’s important to know the truth about what anger is and what it isn’t, so that we can know what we can change and what we can’t.
There are quite a few myths about anger which are very common and continue to be widely believed. However many of these anger myths have been disproved by research. Some of these are below.
What are the myths about anger?
Myth #1: Anger is inherited
One of the misconceptions or myths about anger is that the way we express anger is inherited and cannot be changed. Sometimes, we may hear someone say, “I inherited my anger from my father; that’s just the way I am.” This statement implies that the expression of anger is a fixed and unalterable set of behaviours. Evidence from research studies, however, indicates that people are not born with set, specific ways of expressing anger. These studies show, rather, that because the expression of anger is learned behaviour, more appropriate ways of expressing anger also can be learned.
It is well established that much of people’s behaviour is learned by observing others, particularly influential people. These people include parents, family members, and friends. If children observe parents expressing anger through aggressive acts, such as verbal abuse and violence, it is very likely that they will learn to express anger in similar ways. Fortunately, this behaviour can be changed by learning new and appropriate ways of anger expression. It is not necessary to continue to express anger by aggressive and violent means.
Myth #2: Anger automatically leads to aggression
A related myth involves the misconception that the only effective way to express anger is through aggression. It is commonly thought that anger is something that builds and escalates to the point of an aggressive outburst. However, as has been covered in our previous article on anger management, anger does not necessarily lead automatically to aggression. Think about it — chances are there have been times when you’ve felt really angry but it simply hasn’t been appropriate to act aggressively, such as at work or when talking to a police officer. If you can control your behaviour at those times, you can control it at others.
Effective anger management involves controlling the escalation of anger by learning assertiveness skills, changing negative and hostile “self-talk,” challenging irrational beliefs, and employing a variety of behavioural strategies.
Myth #3: People must be aggressive to get what they want
Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression. The goal of aggression is to dominate, intimidate, harm, or injure another person— to win at any cost. Conversely, the goal of assertiveness is to express feelings of anger in a way that is respectful of other people. For example, if you were upset because a friend was repeatedly late for meetings, you could respond by shouting obscenities and name-calling. This approach is an attack on the other person rather than an attempt to address the behaviour that you find frustrating or anger provoking.
An assertive way of handling this situation might be to say, “When you are late for a meeting with me, I get pretty frustrated. I wish that you would be on time more often.” This statement expresses your feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction and communicates how you would like the situation changed. This expression does not blame or threaten the other person and minimizes the chance of causing emotional harm.
Communicating calmly and assertively is actually more likely to gain you respect than communicating aggressively. It also has the benefits of not immediately putting the other person on their back foot — meaning cooperation is far more likely.
Myth #4: Venting anger is always desirable
For many years, the popular belief among mental health professionals and laymen was that the aggressive expression of anger, such as screaming or beating on pillows, was healthy and therapeutic. Research studies have found, however, that people who vent their anger aggressively simply get better at being angry (Berkowitz, 1970; Murray, 1985; Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz, 1980). In other words, venting anger in an aggressive manner reinforces aggressive behaviour. This is an example of how even counsellors and psychologists can sometimes buy into myths about anger!
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Still need help?
Access the Anglicare SQ Family Support Service (Brisbane) or the Living Without Violence program (Brisbane) if you think you would benefit from some counselling or support around this issue.
Adapted from Anger Management for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Clients: A CBT Manual
